The Happiness Factor & Your Shirt

I’m warning you in advance that there is going to be a LOT of very complicated mathematical equations in the following blog. Normally I steer away from this kind of thing, but I feel that it’s vitally important that I get you the proof you so desire. The proof that my way is THE highway and that you should take this as a fact moving forward. I will present it in the most scientific manner possible (for me, anyway) and let the numbers speak for themselves.

Proof of what you ask?

THEOREM:

You are much better off – when putting on a shirt in a dark room – to just put the shirt on directly over your head without first checking if it’s backwards or inside out.

ASSUMPTIONS:

• Said shirt has two sides – an inside and an outside
• Said shirt has a front different than the back
• Said shirt shall be of a pullover style – no buttons or minimum fastening needed
• The room is pitch black (no cheating)

THE MEASUREMENTS

     Percent chance of putting on a shirt backwards:                                                               50%
– This is an easy 50/50 call. This cannot be debated.

     Percent chance of putting on a shirt inside out:                                                                 25%
– I’m putting this at a 25/75 ratio because frankly there is no reason that when you took the shirt off the day before you would have turned it inside out. If you did, you’re just a heathen.

     Average time to put a shirt on:   5 seconds

     Average extra time to put shirt on (if shirt is backwards):   8 seconds

     Average extra time to switch shirt from inside out:   0 seconds
– Why 0 seconds? Because frankly you won’t notice it until someone else points it out and by that time you won’t even care. Trust me. I speak from experience.

THE CALCULATIONS

HAPPINESS FACTOR        = HF
SHIRT BACKWARDS         = BACK
SHIRT INSIDE OUT           = IO
TIME IN SECONDS            = S

Here is the basic equation –

                                              HF = (X((50)BACK) * (X(25)IO))/S

Therefore, a perfect Happiness Factor picking a shirt up off the floor and putting it on perfectly is:

                                             HF = (8*50)*(1*25)/5 = 1250

It follows of course then that a 50% Happiness Factor (anywhere over 625) is satisfactory. What happens if we simply pick up a shirt and put it on backwards?

                                             HF = (13*50)*(1*25)/13 = 1250!!!

So let’s take the worst case scenario – you wake up, put your shirt on inside out AND backwards. What do we have then?

                                             HF = (20*50)*(1*25)/13 = 1923!!!

Note that the extra 7 points added in the worst case scenario are purely EP (Embarrassment Points).

THE CONCLUSION

It’s very simple to see that if you pick up your shirt off a darkened floor and put it on, you are equally as happy if you put it frontwards or backwards. There is absolutely no scientific proof to support mucking about trying to struggle to find a tag or a v-neck, or anything like that. Just put your damn shirt on.

Additionally, in a stunning turn of events, I have proven that you will be even HAPPIER by approximately 65% if you happen to pick your shirt up and put it on backwards AND inside out.

Think about the next time you reach for a shirt off the floor.