Why Dongle Should Never Be Used….

Posted: December 26, 2012 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I have never made it a secret to anyone unfortunate enough to know me that I hate some words.  They are words that while used correctly, either force you to hold your mouth at wildly unnatural positions for a sustained amount of time, or cause unnecessary lip smackage or saliva poppage to occur.  And lord knows we don’t want that.

Editor’s Note:  Did you notice that I used three different words with un- in the previous paragraph?  That’s pretty impressive.  For a fun little game, remove the un- from those three words and read the paragraph again.  That’s what this blog will do for you – enable you to create a parallel universe (that’s not an un- word by the way) by simply changing a few letters.  You are entirely welcome.

OK, back to words I hate – there are dozens that I’ve come across in my time here.  Which luckily didn’t end on the 21st as some people had stated.  By the way, there was a radio station here in Washington that was having an End-Of-The-World party somewhere downtown on the 20th.  The funny thing is – they were CHARGING for it!  What exactly was the point of THAT?  If I was going, I obviously wouldn’t mind paying simply because after the 21st the only currency I would care about are the little bits of meteor dust that remains from the cataclysmic (spelled correctly first time) configuration of space and earth.  But why should the hosts charge for it?  Money would be useless the next day.  Oh well.

Back to words I hate.  I’ll add to this list as I think of more I’m sure.  You who know me well know that I will ALWAYS find something to annoy me, including my own annoyances, so stay tuned.  In fact, I’m somewhat annoyed right this very second.

Here, in no particular order – are eight (8) of the words I hate.

1)      PACKET.  As in, ‘Get me all the information in the handy packet’.  This is an example of both lip smackage and saliva poppage.  These types of words are rare and should be held up as examples to Noah Webster (or Daniel, not sure which) of how NOT to create a language without spraying the person next to you.

2)      ROLL.  This may be my first hated word ever.  I remember sitting in class at Mabel K. Holland Elementary School and thinking when my teacher said she had one of these for breakfast that I just wanted to smack her.  This is an example of ‘awkward mouth positioning’.  Interestingly enough, the word ‘ROLE’ is completely fine and does not bother me at all.  Don’t judge.

3)      DONGLE.  Do I really have to explain why I hate this word?

4)      DRAWER.  The King of Awkward Mouth Positioning Land.  There is just no viable explanation for creating a word such as this and then applying the word to an object that is used every single day of our lives.  And we have to TEACH it to our kids???  What is wrong with people?

5)      TASTY.  Lip Smackage 101.  Try to say it (I’m sure you all are) without making a noise with your lips.  In a word – impossible to do.  OK, in three words – impossible to do.

6)      COHORT.  This is a recently added word to my list and displays more of the wildly unnatural mouth positioning that I’m so not a fan of.  And seriously – what does it even mean?  There would have to be two horts in the world to have cohorts correct?  So what’s a hort?  Did he hear a Hoo?

7)      MORSEL.  This isn’t a really hated word by me, just a mildly disliked word.  But if you EVER say ‘a tasty morsel’ then you just need to go back to your elementary school and find your 4th grade teacher (Mr. Nicodemus) and force him to unlearn you good.

8)      ORANGE.  While this isn’t one of the WORST examples of awkward mouth positioning, this word has special meaning to me.  For this is the one word, no matter how many times I say it and how many times my wife and kids hear it – that they take the time to cast aspersions on how I have said it.  I guess I say it phonetically like  OYUHRINJ or something like that.  Regardless, my pronunciation of it has caused non-stop hilarity and hi-jinks (both) in the house.

So those are my top 8.  I’m sure you have your favorites/non-favorites as well so please leave them in the comments.  Just please remember when you go home tonight to put the dongle that your cohort gave you in the drawer, so that we can enjoy a tasty morsel of roll afterwards while we’re reading the brochures from the packet.

  1. Diane says:

    1. You are a freak.
    2. There is absolutely no lip smackage in the word tasty.


    • You may be right. Not about the freak part of course. But it may not be lip smackage on tasty as the lips never actually approach parallelism while pronouncing the syllables. Instead – I think we need to introduce the tasty notion of tongue smackage for ‘tasty’. All I know is that there is some serious moisture going on with that word.


    • And by the way – my brother called me on the phone and claimed the exact same thing about that word. I stand corrected.


  2. sudleyumc says:

    You know what word annoys me? Annoying! Can we replace that one? And how many syllables does orange have? It certainly isn’t 4 when I say it. And what the heck is dongle? So many questions.


  3. Claudia says:

    An angry cohort has come together to insist that you, Tim, bring to an end distributing out packets of expensive dongles and rolls of tasty orange morsels out of your desk drawer in exchange for investment tips. Regardless of what you have been told this behavior is not conducive to a professional work environment. (I couldn’t help myself).

    Also while I enjoy your inventiveness with the English language lip “smackage” and or saliva
    “poppage” are phrases from your imagination and despite having some funny definitions on urbandictionary.com are not actually used in intelligible communication. Maybe instead you could describe it as lip flagellating and saliva spluttering. On the other hand, if anyone was to look up in Google “saliva poppage” your new blog would show up as the second and third link in the search results so maybe you’re on to something there and congratulations are in order.


  4. Brad says:

    Your list of words appears to be entirely based on the physical act of saying the word, other than dongle I suppose, which would fall into the same category as my least favorite word: physicality. Clearly these are completely made up words used by people who can think of no other way to express themselves. I’m looking at you Jesse Palmer…


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