by Tim Braun
Do you recognize this band?
Of course you don’t. They are the Japandroids. According to many Top 10 lists of 2012 they had one of the top 10 albums of last year. Additionally, the Washington Post named one of their songs the TOP SONG OF 2012! I will say also that there was not a single song in the Top 10 that I had ever heard – but still. The Japandroids? I’m sure at least one of you will come back to me and say – I’ve heard of them – give them a kind ear, etc. And they may be good. But how can a random person that writes for a major newspaper declare that the song of the year? What was the criteria used? Most creative use of a country in a band title? Hardest band name to pronounce? Interestingly enough, Time Magazine also did a Best Songs of 2012 – this is their description of #10:
10. Can, “Graublau”
Back in 1969, the German art-rock quartet Can recorded the score for the forgotten movie Ein großer graublauer Vogel. More than 40 years later, the band has edited it into a scalding 17-minute garage-rock suite.
Deep sigh. I stopped right there in my audio tracks.
I could come up with my own Top 5 Bands of 2012 list off the top of my head:
5. The Ramones
4. Christina Perri
3. Joey Ramone (solo album)
2. Marky Ramone (solo album)
1. The Ramones
But what does it tell you? That I like the Ramones with a little bit of mellow thrown in. So why does anyone pay attention to these lists? Doing a random Google search for Top 10 lists I’ve come up with the 10 Worst Top 10 Lists in my mind. Keep in your little head that you can make a bad top 10 list of ANYTHING but these are all serious Top 10 lists that someone put some thought into:
10. Top 10 Sausages of All-Time. I’m serious. If this is #10 how can you possibly even wait until #1? The suspense must be killing you. I’m not even going to get into the fact of how could they possibly know what a Bronze Age sausage or an 18th Century Prussian Bratwurst tasted like or even worse how it was created – but why would you make this list in the first place? To make you yearn for the Dark Ages when you could go down to the local butchery and partake of some blood sausage that had been created in some dank, dark stable?
9. Top 10 Pac-Man Tribute Videos. I could write a “War and Peace” volume on YouTube-related top 10 lists. I don’t know what’s sadder – 10 random people MAKING Pac-Man Tribute Videos or someone watching enough of them to make a list.
8. Top 10 Tweets of 2012. Time Magazine. Yes, Time Magazine did this list. Actually, Time Magazine ran list-amuck with 55 (Fifty-Five) Top 10 lists. By the way the number ten top tweet was Whitney Houston’s daughter breaking the news of her death. Isn’t that “liking” a Facebook post talking about someone being sick?
7. Top 10 Parenting Trends of 2012. So someone is supposed to read this and figure out how to become a parent all of the sudden apparently. But not by reading #8 – Breast Feeding: Still Controversial. How can something that is ‘still controversial’ in their words be a ‘parenting trend’ (also in their words)?
6. Top 10 Most Sinister Islands of 2012. I won’t go through the list of haunted, snake-infested islands here – but just know that if you have booked Seat 6 on Satanic Airlines Flight 666 bound for Vozrozhdeniya Island, I’d suck up my purse strings, pay the rebooking penalty and cancel the trip NOW.
5. Top 10 Disgusting Objects Found in Fast Food. For some reason I’m always drawn to these type of lists. Color me a little odd I guess. You have the normal syringes, band-aids, etc…..but #1 on the list? Finger. No idea which finger though, so it may not be as troubling if it was just a pinkie. How many fries would THAT have taken the place of anyway? Just suck it up and stop complaining.
4. Top 10 Grooming Mistakes. From a semi-reputable source at Fox News, it was deemed ‘newsworthy’ that you know rounded toenails are the equivalent to people as taking the aforementioned trip to Vozrozhdeniya Island.
3. Top 10 Credenzas. I bet half of the world doesn’t even know what a credenza is, much less what makes a good one. In reading through the list however, I’ve quickly learned that height is important as are sliding doors. I think that’s a good rule of thumb in all household furniture ‘Best of’ lists.
2. Top 10 Memes. Again from Time Magazine. I have no idea what the word ‘memes’ means, sounds like or does. It may go on my previous list of words I hate just because it was one that everyone started using for no reason other than it became socially acceptable. Anyway, #10 on this list is ‘Rainbow Oreos’. #8 is Corgis (the dog apparently). #1 is (drum roll please) – “Call Me Maybe”. I’ve sat here for 10 minutes trying to figure out what those three could possibly have to do with each other but I’ve been luckless (i.e. without luck) in my efforts.
1. Top 10 Disturbing Products Derived From the Human Body. Don’t even get me started. I’ll just show pictures and you can take it from there. Here, in no particular order – are four of these products. Just keep in mind that ‘people gelatin’ is only #4 on the list.
So enjoy that pork butt tonight and let me know if you have any other great Top 10 lists from 2012. And Happy New Year! Here’s hoping that we find even more uses for human waste in 2013!