by Tim Braun
I’m home sick today. Aching in every one of my joints, slight fever (even peaked over 97 degrees! I’m a 96.1er normally) and just generally not feeling fantastic. So with nothing else to do and no motivation to do what I really should be doing – what else is there to do but crank up the TV and see what the vast wasteland can inject into my neurons.
And you know what I found? Ghosts, Gold, Alaska and Hitler. Every single network has at least one of those subjects at some point in the morning. In fact, you can connect those items from one show to another with hardly a thought (which is my preferred way of thinking.) I was able to do this even in my mildly dizzy, slightly hallucinogenic, calmly cathartic state – let’s call it ‘Six Degrees of Religious TV’.
Let’s start with one of my favorites – “Flying Wild Alaska”. I watch it religiously. That has to do with Alaska – which connects with “Bering Sea Gold” which is also set in Alaska. They spend all their days out in the Bering Sea (i.e. real darn cold) dredging for gold. They aren’t the brightest dredgers on the barge, by the way – there was a guy who missed the boat as it left in the morning. His solution? SWIM OUT TO THE BARGE. In the Bering Sea. In Alaska. Core temperature made it down to 90 degrees (cold even for me) before he was rescued. But I watch it religiously. Don’t judge.
So now we’ve made it to the Gold category, so somehow we have to get to the paranormal category. I know – how about the Syfy networks new show? “Ghost Mine”? It’s a show about an 19th century gold mine in Washington or Oregon or somewhere that is trying to be re-opened, but the ghosts are keeping the miners out! Apparently, miners are very superstitious about Tommy-knockers (cool sounding mining slang for ghosts) and red-heads. So what does the paranormal team bring to the table? A red-head to investigate. Nice work there, Syfy. And yes, I watch this show religiously.
Once we’re in the paranormal Ghost field, it’s an easy connection to Hitler. An episode of “Ghost Hunter’s International” is on RIGHT THIS SECOND where they are investigating the Wolf’s Lair in Poland where Hitler spent a lot of time. And yes, I watched this show religiously as well.
From Hitler actually we can go ANYWHERE. There literally are a dozen shows on at any given second about the guy. I’m connecting it back to Alaska with a show that I watched last night (yep – cheating, I know) where Hitler stole the so-called ‘Spear of Destiny’ (the spear that supposedly pierced Christ’s body on the cross) and took it to Antarctica. For anyone who has been to both the Antarctic and Alaska, you KNOW how close they are. So it counts. And the spear is obviously religious. So there.
What someone needs to do now is to develop a TV show that is looking for the ghost of Hitler in an Alaskan Gold Mine. I’m sure if they could, they would. And you know what? I’d watch it religiously.
Off to watch Alaskan State Troopers.