by Tim Braun
OK, so really – who doesn’t have some sort of fascination with blue people? You really didn’t see THAT tag-line coming, did you? Well, just sit down and buckle your turquoise-loving safety belt and you know what’s going to happen? I’m going to learn you something. Something that everyone needs to hear and needs to know. That something… is the existence of blue people.
To get to the actual blue people, you can skip the history lesson and scroll down about 4.3 inches, depending on your screen resolution. Otherwise, I’m happy to have you join me in Mr. Braun’s History of Blue People 101.
It all started for me at an early age – and frankly I’m not sure which of these came first to my viewing pleasure:
Of course, good old Violet Beauregard was a trumped-up blue person that only became blue when she ate the forbidden candy of one Mr. Willy Wonka. So she, although stunningly appealing in this picture, isn’t a TRUE blue person. But I give it special props because it has orange people too – and the blue/orange combination looks STUNNING together. The complex cinematography and careful collision of colors charmed me like no other color combination of people. Well done. The picture on the right is from the early Star Trek episodes where one of the wayward space-farers fell in love with the aqua tints of one young alien lass. My guess (always) is Kirk. Again, not of this Earth, so not necessarily the blue person that I’m looking for.
Next we have the omnipresent ‘Blue-Man Group’ that seems to pervade every middle-sized auditorium these days. I don’t know what they do, and I don’t THINK they have any women with them. Which brings forth the honest question: “From what or whose loins were they relocated from?” One can only imagine the shock in the delivery room when THOSE guys popped out.
This movie is seemingly rotten with blue people. I watched it once when I had a whole weekend to waste since it lasted about a billion minutes. These blue people were probably related to the Star Trek blue person above so may be direct descendents of Captain James T. Kirk. They were Squatch-sized so may have been taken some human growth hormone as well.
So that brings us to the end of the lesson. What do I have for you now? ACTUAL BLUE PEOPLE THAT LIVE RIGHT HERE ON THE GOOD OLD TERRA FIRMA.
Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you “The Blue People of Troublesome Creek, Kentucky”.
First of all, the picture on the left was found on the internet and was labeled ‘colorized picture of the Fugate family of Kentucky’. Does anyone else find that ironic? I couldn’t find it MORE ironic.
Anyway, so this IS a real thing (documented by actual people that were actual doctors in actual white coats). This family had some recessive gene in their body that remained dormant until – BOOM! One of the guys married another person that had the same recessive gene – a one in a billion chance apparently. The result? Violet Beauregard Fugate. But definitely not filled with blueberry juice. So they were otherwise completely healthy and lived long lives – but were just blue. Now I WILL say that this was greatly enabled by excessive inbreeding along Troublesome Creek (which appears to be very well named.) I’m not judging. My family has so many twists and turns among the many roots of the generations that I’m surprised my kids don’t have a finger growing out of their forehead.
But through continual inbreeding and because this area of Kentucky was practically inaccessible for the most part this dark blue trait was passed from generation to generation and resulted in the World’s Scariest Santa Clause:
From all reports, this condition can now be treated with antibiotics on a daily basis so that these people can live happy, joyous lives in whatever color they choose to be. I’m happy for them. Think of all the things they missed out on when they were blue. I mean, they could never wear green shirts or clothes! You know the old fashion statement – never blue and green unless something comes between.
Did I just make that up?
I hope you enjoyed the lesson. Next week, we’ll present “The Green People of Cuyahoga Falls, California” for your scientific pleasure.