Don’t Screw With My Sweet Tea…

Posted: March 3, 2013 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

My name is Tim Braun – and I have a problem.

For some unknown reason, I am an addict.  Not of tobacco, drugs, pot, or alcohol.  Not of the smell of lilac, although that is LOVELY this time of year, or the feel of a fine fleece sweatshirt.  Not at the sight of a beautiful woman or the touch of an angry man (how did THAT get into my brain?).  My only addiction is to the taste of a ridiculously sweet tea.  My mouth is watering at the very thought of it.  I get all tingly inside just imagining the cool, refreshing ‘liquid of the Gods’ as it passes slowly over my lips and cascades it sweet goodness down my throat.  I may need some serious professionapyramidl help.

I blame my mother for a lot of this.  She used to make sweet tea the way the Good Lord meant it to be made.  She’d brew up a two-gallon jug of tea (or set it out in the sun to brew some “natural” tea) and then add approximately 16 gallons of sugar to the jug.  It just seemed normal to me that tea should taste like that from that point forward.  I guess she didn’t realize that she was forever poisoning my mind and soul with the concoction that she came up with.

So time passed and stupid health-conscious people got all up in arms about that kind of tea-debauchery and the result was the tepid, limp liquid that I had during my teen years.  And then college hit.  And I discovered Hardee’s.  Suddenly the world was bright again and the birds were singing again.  Sweet tea was BACK and available for 24-hour-a-day drinking.  And it was drunk 24-hours-a-day.

Then I got married.  I’m not BLAMING my wife, per se, but I will say that once we got married sweet tea seemed to go away again.  First, we had no Hardee’s within 50 miles of our house.  Second, her take on sweet tea was like my take on building a car in my driveway.  If there was any LESS sugar in the tea she created, the sugar-starved boll weevil trying to get a sip would curl up and die a slow pitiful death.  Sure, she was trying tmtfujio be ‘healthful’.  Don’t ever do that again.

So because of my public outcry against my wife, McDonald’s developed (i.e. stole from Hardee’s) their own recipe of Sweet Tea.  I capitalize those words now because it may be the single best item that McDonald’s ever made and it deserves my utmost respect.  And that’s huge coming from me.  It’s sweet, it’s cold and it’s perfect.  Other fast food places have now imitated McDonald’s on this and some have come close to perfection.  Chick Fil A deserves a special nod because THEY SELL IT TO ME IN ONE-GALLON JUGS.  That alone is worth going to Chick Fil A.

But let’s get back to McDonald’s Sweet Tea (note – approximately 1,583,032,302 calories per serving).  I’m a bit of a tyrant when it comes to getting the tea.  If a particular restaurant is out of it, that is completely unacceptable and will cause me not to go back to that McDonald’s for months.  I throw even eiffelbigger tantrums at less-than-perfect McDonald’s Sweet Tea.  One day I was in the drive-thru to dutifully throw my $1.05 at them.  They passed me a drink.  I pulled away and took that sip.  BANG.  Diet Coke.  I whipped my big Dodge Truck around through the drive thru a second time – and yes, cutting off people in the process – I mean they were driving SO SLOW…. and got the correct drink.  I learned from that – I now rip open the straw and plunge it into the drink and take a long slurp before I budge an inch from the drive thru window.  Because – and make sure you’re sitting down for this – they have even tried to slip in NON-SWEET TEA at times!  The unmitigated gall.

Another time I pulled through – handed them VERY politely the exact change once again – and they gave me a drink.  I took a sip and it was Sweet Tea so I left.  But then I noticed that the straw wouldn’t budge.  They had filled the ENTIRE CUP with ice and THEN poured Sweet Tea in it.  So I had a thimble-full of Tea.  Since even little old ME has limits of complaining I wasn’t going to go back through again to have them remove ice.  Instead I handled it like an adult and randomly threw straw wrappers and all the stupid extra ice out the window of my truck in their parking lot.  Just to show them I was angry in a calm, tajmahalmature way.  Hey – don’t judge.  It made me feel better.   And yes, I haven’t gone back to either of those McDonald’s in months.

So you can see – I have issues.  I mean issues relating to Sweet Tea above and beyond all of my other issues.  And it’s only McDonald’s that I’m all happariffic for – all other teas, especially anything found in a grocery store, pale in comparison.  I need it.  I want it.  I repeat….I NEED IT.

I hope you enjoyed the pictures of my sweet tea journeys all around the world.  Note that in Paris I even drank the tea with my right hand.  That’s how dedicated I am.

My name is Tim Braun…and I’m a Teaholic.

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Comments
  1. Jaci says:

    Yep. Me again !! Yet another piece I loved. And although its not tea I have (correction: had) a hazelnut latte thing. Wegmans and Deja Brew was where I got my drug of choice. I am happy to report that as of today I am no longer hooked. I actually left a hazelnut latte in my car today because it was too sweet. I marched inside n made my own coffee, darn it !!!

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    • That’s good to know – so I guess it CAN be done (breaking the habit). But I think you first want to WANT to break the habit. And frankly, until my teeth start rotting out of my head it’s all good.

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  2. April says:

    There comes a time in every marriage (apparently around the 25 year mark) where honesty is essential. So, I confess. I have, for the last 25+ years been diluting your sweet tea. When ordering at the drive thru I ask for ½ sweet ½ unsweet. Did you ever wonder how the magical gallon of sweet tea from Chick-fil-a would last for a couple of weeks? It’s the magic of water. Sometimes, there hasn’t even been cfa tea in that jug. It has just been good ol’ homemade tea, but the mind is a funny thing, and since you assumed it was sweet tea, it WAS sweet. Recently, I went a bit too far and you noticed that the tea didn’t taste right. I told you I had just put too much ice in it when in reality that tea had been diluted to about ¼ of its orginal sugar content. After that close call, your loving daughter has asked kindly that I stop doing psychological experiments on you. So I am hanging up my hat. You are now responsible for making your own sugar intake decisions. Admitting the problem is the first step.
    I am April and I am a terrible sneaky wife.

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  3. Kari E. says:

    I admire and applaud April’s sneakiness. That is all.

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  4. Kim says:

    April, that is hilarious😃

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  5. April says:

    Tim, you had best not be killing our mama squirrels because you know darn well I am bringing the babies in the house to take care of. They will sit on top of the couch while you watch tv just waiting for a chance to bite your nose.

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  6. They (Costco) sells 5lb sugar cubes ..just keep one in your camera case…<3

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    • Well – that would require me going to Costco which as you’ll read soon in a blog will never happen! But I could lick a 5lb sugar cube fora long,long time so if you’ll provide…

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  7. Christine says:

    LOL, April, you rock!

    Oh, and I am going to Costco tomorrow to pick me up one of those 5lb sugar cubes!!

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    • Just so everyone is aware, after April’s shocking revelation yesterday of her devious ways – I tried the diluting trick today at both lunch and dinner and didn’t notice any difference in taste. Well played my little liar.

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  8. […] The Crowning Jewel of McDonald’s.  Sweet tea?  No, I’ve already devoted another blog to that nectar of the Gods.  I now give you the best part of any McDonald’s meal.  After […]

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  9. […] I hope you also had a chance to visit other of my blogs that dealt with certain bathroom issues, my sweet tea adventures, and of course the blue people of Kentucky. God forbid one of those blue people I wrote about tried […]

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  10. writerinsoul says:

    My favorite part is the mature, adult, parking lot revenge. You showed them what’s what!

    Like

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