by Tim Braun
I couldn’t be more distant from politics. I don’t like them, I don’t like people that argue about it, and I don’t care which side you’re on. But did you know that we have a Supreme Court justice in this country that hasn’t spoken in oral arguments in over 7 years???? I only found out about this when for some reason a couple of months ago he happened to break his self-proclaimed ‘vow of silence’ and crack a joke! I swear this is true.
Judge Clarence Thomas was appointed to the Supreme Court in the early 90’s and after being somewhat normal during the first few years, in February of 2006 he just stopped talking. He claimed that he preferred to just listen and soak in the arguments, or just ‘that he couldn’t get a word in’. However, these arguments have been countered in the years since by seeing him sleeping during the proceedings, or just generally not paying attention. No word on whether or not he was drinking a Coke during the oral arguments (you’ll have to Google that if you don’t get the joke).
So where do I get THAT job? Anyway – Mr. Thomas just opens up this category of people that bug me with the strength of a good swift kick to the outer right shin. Here, in no particular order – are some of my arch-enemies. It’s no secret that most of them are drivers:
THE GUY WHO DRIVES WITH HIS ARM OVER THE SEAT:
Yes buddy – you are SO CRAZY RELAXED that you can just kick your arm over the passenger seat. Showing once again that you are the reason that passenger seats were invented. It’s no coincidence that most of these people are driving in the left-hand lane 10 miles per hour under the speed limit.
THE GUY WHO DRIVES WITH HIS ARM OUTSIDE OF THE CAR
There are so many varieties of this that I’ve just lumped them all in to one category. Don’t stick your arm out the sunroof to catch the wind. You don’t have to raise the jib to catch a breeze to get to the New World. Just keep it in the car. There are also (at least) two other varieties of this that bother me – the straight arm, and the downward spiral. The straight arm is taking your left arm and sticking it STRAIGHT out the window and driving like that. This is just the reverse of THE GUY WHO DRIVES WITH HIS ARM OVER THE SEAT. Apparently these people just need to spread out. The downward spiral is pictured here – it’s basically hugging the car for no apparent reason. And God forbid they’re listening to music so that they actually mark the beat against the car door.
THE GUY WHO WEARS HIS SUNGLASSES EVERYWHERE
Just leave them in the car. Is that so hard? I’m referring directly to wearing them over your eyes inside. Again, too cool for everyone else. This is only slightly better than:
I don’t even need to comment on this stupid practice. No, it’s not the best way to carry them. Either leave them in the car or do the traditional top-of-the-head maneuver. Don’t EVER wear them upside-down and backwards. It does not make you cooler than others and does not make me wish I were more like you.
AND NOW….THE GRAND FINALE
What brought all of this drivel up? I was in a restaurant the other day and this guy comes in. He is everything I don’t want my son to be. I give you……(drum roll please)……THE 2013 KING O’ ANNOYING!
Thank you for your time. I’m sorry if I have offended any of you that actually do these. Just keep in mind that if you DO them, you may wind up on a ridiculously diverse blog somewhere in the outer third of the Western Arm of the Milky Way as a negative role model. Let THAT sink in for a minute…