Spring brings out the worst in me. I fully realize that it brings out the best in 98.73% of the rest of the human population – but for me and the scant 1.27% it’s just a sign that one of the greatest pains in all of mankind is coming back into the task list.
It’s really a mathematical equation defined by x to the y squared divided by the circumference of pi minus one equatorial longitude.
Yard(good) x (-Work(bad)) = Yard work(crappy) = YW(c)
Take the sub-quotient of the Apostolic Theorem as such:
YW(c) = YW(c26) = where YW=TIM and c=crappy
This results in the solution: TIM IS IN A CRAPPY MOOD HALF OF THE YEAR
The problem with yard work is it’s not a one-and-done. Or to quote one of my least favorite phrases ever – it’s not a ‘one-stop shop’. You go through all of this hard work, cutting the grass, weeding, mulching and the yard looks amazing. You go in, have a sweet tea, and then go to bed and dream of sugar plums all night. You wake up and what do you see? One little dandelion that you missed. Mocking you. And it’s soon joined by some of its other weedy friends – and then the grass sees the fun that the weeds are having and doesn’t want to miss out – so boom – up it comes too. Within 24 hours it looks just as crappy as it did before you cut it. That’s right – 24 hours. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Don’t even get me started on what constitutes a weed vs. my wife’s ‘plants’. I don’t know how many times I’ve been yelled at for pulling the wrong thing. And you know what? It doesn’t matter. My new motto – if it’s green, it’s gone. All hail the power of asphalt.
It’s not just yard work that puts me on tilt – anything that I do that has to be redone in a week to get it to look like you just did it yesterday last week does the same thing to me. Two prime examples:
LAUNDRY. Sure, it’s nice to have clean clothes. But in our great recyclable age, we probably should just be talking about disposable clothes. Wear once, throw away (in the proper bin of course) and pick up a new ‘smock’ for the next day. If you have a formal dance, break out the black smock. If it’s cold, break out the double-smock. If it’s hot, the half-smock. Smock, smock, smock. Love that word. Say it aloud. Smock.
DUSTING. Am I really that filthy of a human being that all of the furniture in our house gets a coating of ‘dust’ (i.e. partial specks of human decay) every single week? Could someone please explain dust to me? I’m actually fine with just not moving anything on the furniture and letting everything get the same coating – so that it just looks dulled. But have just one dog lick the table and then you have to clean the whole thing.
Smock. Still fun.
But yard work is still the King of the Recurring Tasks for me. I have told my wife many times that I would be completely happy with an asphalt yard like this guy:
Think of all the exercise you’d be getting. Basketball court….race track….tennis court….you name it, the world is your oyster. Any contractors up for the fun?
So there – I’ve solved three of the worst tasks there are in life. Next up – we take on the pointlessness of washing the car.