DONT CARE – First Inaugural Session

Posted: April 18, 2013 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Here’s what I don’t get.  There is absolutely nothing in my body makeup, style, weight, or height….nothing in my hair, feet, nose or ears….nothing in my demeanor, my stature, my posture or my composure….NOTHING.  NOTHING that screams to the world ‘Hey, this is Tim and I want to hear what you’re thinking!!!  Come on over and sidle up next to me and have a little small-talk’.  My friends know this about me, my family DEFINITELY knows this about me – why can’t random strangers see this, know this and respect this?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not necessarily PROUD of this quality.  I manage to keep this social disorder to myself for the most part and allow my inner sunshine to burst out of my chest 23.5 hours of the day.  I’m taking medicine for it and hope someday to figure out what the pills are that I’m actually taking for it.  I think they are blood-thinners.  Or tranquilizers.  Or anti-diarrheal.  One of those.  Ok, I’m not taking medicine for it at all.  This personality ‘quirk’ is here to stay and it’s only going to get worse as I get older.

Anyway, I have been approached by strangers apparently wanting to chat with me three times in the past couple of weeks and I’m officially starting a new Facebook Group – “The Disturbance Of my Neuro-Transmitters by Chatty and Annoying Racially-diverse Entities “ – or “DONT CARE” for you acronym lovers.  These three events in order of their awkwardness and annoyance to me, your DONT CARE spokesperson, are detailed herewith:

DONT1

Random Target Picture. Enjoy.

I was in Target definitely NOT wearing a red shirt – the universal symbol of Target workers – minding my own business.  I think I was actually shopping for trinkets to send to the starving children of Africa or something to be exact.  I noticed this creeper woman, about my age and my ilk, slowly moving towards me and looking at me out of the corner of her eye.  I naturally assumed that she was just checking me out and thinking what a fine, outstanding example of a man I am.  I always assume that and have not once been correct, by the way.  She finally gets up the nerve to pronounce her undying love for me and says very quietly, “Do you work here?”  I naturally take umbrage, no…I take GREAT umbrage and gruffly say ‘No’ and walk away.  That’s what you get when you bug a DONT CARE member.  And apparently I now have taken on the look of a Target worker.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

So a few days later I’m in another favorite location of mine – Costco.  I’m standing there looking at some nifty clock radios.  Another sidler.  Sidles right up beside me.  Older guy (late 50’s), baseball hat, jacket.  Your typical mass murderer.  He looks at the display NEXT to what I’m looking at – which I believe were a new type of cell phone – and says to me “Someday I’ll have to figure out how to use one of those”.  ?

??

???

DONT2

What my stalker at Costco almost kinda looked like….if I had taken his picture.

What does that even mean?  I chuckled knowingly (as I’m want to do) and said ‘Yep….’ and left it at that.  He obviously wanted to start a longer discussion with me and I was having none of it.  Why would he go up to a random good-looking guy and just willy-nilly start with the small-talk?  What is WRONG with people?

The coup de grace (or coup d’etat depending on the coup you prefer) was recently when I was playing golf.  Three of us were out there hacking it around and were on the green when I noticed an older guy walking slowly around.  He was hunched over, wearing a baseball cap as well (a possible trend with DONT CARE offenders????) and was walking so slowly that the Earth was turning faster than him, causing him to actually have to walk backwards to make progress.  But that was fine – there’s a walking path there and it’s a free country.

DONT3

Golf Stalker…representative picture – not designed to be the actual person.

He stops and watches while my first buddy putts.  Fine.  Slowly, almost imperceptibly he moves forward as the other two of us line up our putts.  By the time we hit, he is ON the green, moved over by us and looking down at the putt as we’re lined up!  Literally bending over to see what’s going to happen.  I can’t even begin to tell you how much we were weirded out by the whole thing.  Much less the creepy chortle he made as I missed my putt with him literally breathing down my neck.  We picked up our crap and got the heck out of there.  He followed, but the speed with which he followed allowed for ample roomage.  I frankly don’t know if he wanted to discuss things with us, or if he was secretly scouting our golf game from 3 inches away – but he is DONT CARE Offender #121 if you want to look him up on the official DONT CARE website.

I’ll continue to report on incidents as they occur.  In addition, we’ll discuss everyone’s awkward encounters at the normal First Wednesday meeting of the DONT CARE support group held at IHOPs nationwide.

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Comments
  1. Claudia says:

    Wow Tim just when I thought you couldn’t be any more of a curmudgeon you write this.

    On that note I did some googling and came upon a website entitled 14 tips on how to become a full fledged curmudgeon. Now, don’t be offended as you are plenty curmudgeoned already however you may want to pay particular attention to the warnings at the bottom of the page:

    Steps
    1 Curmudgeons are not pleasers! You must not care to be popular or liked. If that matters to you, go to therapy!
    2 Curmudgeons are not crabby – that is a myth. We tell the truth, and some people don’t like that. Tell Junior what you really think of his writing. Tell Aunt Ida that she’s got bad breath. Don’t be mean about it, but don’t try to make everything sound pretty!
    3 Curmudgeons do not follow ‘trends’! You must learn to think for yourself! If a popular media figure says something is great, you don’t care for it. If most of the people around you like a TV show, gadget or movie, it makes you yawn. You may need to try forcing yourself not to like what’s popular until you learn to think independently.
    4 Curmudgeons do not shop! Find something else to do with your time, like go for walks, garden, or take up a craft (it does not need to be a good or useful craft – it’s the process that counts).
    5 Curmudgeons do not like new things. Poke around the attic, garage or basement until you find that old thing you used to use, rather than buy something new. Or borrow it!
    6 Curmudgeons dress for comfort! Women – throw out those tight clothes, restrictive underwear (thongs), high heels and pantyhose. Men – throw out those white button down shirts, ties and belts (try suspenders). Wear things that feel good and let you breathe!
    7 Curmudgeons do not care for the latest styles. Throw away your fashion magazines. We read fashion magazine to have a good laugh!
    8 Curmudgeons do not go to fitness centers to exercise. If forced to go by your spouse, go when the crowds die down and do not wear spandex! Spend a lot of time in the steam room or sauna.
    9 Curmudgeons go outside to exercise. Try golf, playing with the dog or puttering around the yard.
    10 Curmudgeons tend to own pets. If you do not already have one, get a dog, cat or parrot (that you teach to curse). Pets give you something to talk to when you upset the ones you love by being you.
    11 Curmudgeons are not angry people. Never yell at anyone or say things to upset them. Stupidity has its own rewards. Hold your tongue and you won’t be the stupid one.
    12 Curmudgeons do not argue. Let people believe whatever stupidity they hold onto and just walk away.
    13 Curmudgeons do like to tell good stories. Work up some good short stories that tell about interesting experiences you’ve had or people you’ve known. Learn how to time them so they are never boring or repetitive. An ironic twist at the end is helpful.
    14 Curmudgeons have excellent senses of humor. Find the humor in at least 5 things you see every day. Smile or laugh and catch someone’s eye to share the moment.

    Tips
    While curmudgeons dress for comfort, this is not an excuse to wear dirty, sloppy or horrible looking clothes. You don’t want to draw ridicule or negative attention.
    Do not wear pants that expose your butt every time you bend over!
    If you must smoke tobacco, use a pipe.
    Curmudgeons do not smell! Bathe regularly and do not use colognes. Nothing blows your effectiveness as a speaker more than bad or overwhelming odors!

    Warnings
    Curmudgeons may drink, but they do not get drunk. Nothing makes you stupid faster than getting sloppy with your drinking.
    If you need to work for a living, you may need to tone down your curmudgeonly tendencies at work, or at least with the boss.
    You may lose friends when you stop agreeing with people all the time, but they are seldom friends you will miss much.
    Curmudgeons can look kind of pathetic on the dating scene, as they can be so out of touch as to send dates running out the back door. Please get some advice from a kind friend before dating – on appropriate dress, behavior and conversation topics. It’s ruthless out there!
    Not all curmudgeons are equal. There are some bitter ones, stupid ones, wise ones and sweet ones, so hang with the sweet or wise ones unless you are doing research.
    Some curmudgeons resort to punning – proceed at your own risk!

    Like

  2. Christine D. says:

    You are only a nice curmudgeon by necessity. I understand this about you and have made it a bit of a game to see how closely I can toe the line. Sometimes I feel guilty about that…..but not always.

    Like

  3. Christine D. -again says:

    P.S. CA, nice research. Accurately defines every curmudgeon in my life. Surprisingly, I have and have had many….simultaneously…always. I’m sure someone will pipe in on what this might indicate about me and my tarnished psyche. I personally interpret it as sheer, unadulterated tolerance.

    Like

  4. This post makes me so happy and warm. I also get strangers wanting to chat with me, and I have no idea why. There is absolutely NOTHING about my appearance or demeanor that should suggest to people that I will be overjoyed to chat with them about whatever nonsensicle thoughts pop out of their heads. And yet, people do it all the time. I want them to invent a spray repellent so that the chatty folk of the world will stay away.

    Like

  5. writerinsoul says:

    I hear you, Brother. Only 3 times in 2 weeks? I’m envious.

    Like

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