I’ve heard that back in Medieval Times (not the restaurant, the times themselves….) they used to practice the art of blood-letting. If you were sick, draw some blood. If you were constipated, draw some blood. If you had a really scary dream last night, draw some blood. They even used to test to see if women were witches by drawing blood from their left eye that probably looked like a newt and then thew them in the river with a rock tied around their ankle to see if they would float. If they floated, they weren’t witches. I may have mixed up a few of the ‘witch’ treatments there – it will probably wind up on Wikipedia as fact now and millions of children growing up will learn that’s the truth. The power of my blog. Ha.
There are critters out there that solely live off of human blood. Mosquitoes, leeches, vampire bats, insurance salesmen – all of them wake in the morning and their one and only goal is to drink some of that warm liquid. They go to bed at night thinking their day was pretty damn skippy if they’ve stabbed someone or sucked someone or otherwise made other people miserable. Kind of like my ex-wife. If I had an ex-wife.
When I was 8 years old my family and I were going on the trip of a lifetime – a month in Israel and Egypt touring all of the things that are typically toured by people spending a month in Israel and Egypt. To get ready for this trip I had to go through approximately 16 weeks of painful shots, scratchings and torture. I came to hate that drive to the doctor because I knew that my arm would be hanging limply by my side the rest of the day. And I came to hate needles because of that. Well that, and the fact that they hurt. I don’t like pain. Call me crazy.
So where am I going with this? I bet every blog I write someone says that inside their head. This time it’s because this is going to be one of those all-too-infrequent (according to April and everyone who calls me a curmudgeon) positive blogs! I’ve expressed my disdain for blood and needles noted above. Unfortunately for some reason to test blood we still in this day and age have to resort to the blood-letting of a certain quantity of our bodily fluid. Doesn’t that amaze you right there?
Anyway – because of a borderline obsessive fondness for Big Macs and Double Cheeseburgers I have been placed on cholesterol medicine. This allows me to eat whatever I want and hide the effects from my blood – what could be better? But I have to resort to the painful regular process of blood tests. And today I had the best blooding I’ve ever had. In my entire life.
It was quick. It was painless. The woman (I’ll call her Shirley) that took my blood was the absolute most pleasant, smart, fun, positive person I have ever dealt with. In fact, Shirley gave me three pieces of advice/info for blooding that I have never heard in all my years of blooding. They may seem obvious but no one ever told me these before.
1) Water. Even if I’m fasting, drink lots of water before coming in. In fact, Shirley got me a big cup and told me to go behind the counter and get as much water as I wanted. She said that it helps pump up the veins and hydrates me to stop the:
2) Fainting. Shirley was very concerned about the fainting and asked me repeatedly if I was a fainter. She even propped me up with a pillow (I SWEAR!) although I had said I never had fainted before.
3) White Shirt. Before Shirley started she asked if I had a different color shirt in the truck that I could slip on before I went to work. It finally hit me that she was CONCERNED that I was wearing a white shirt that there would be some (ugh…) spillage that needed to be contained. Of course she was perfect and there was not a drop to be found.
So this blog is dedicated to Shirley for taking what would normally have been a horrible, traumatic experience and making it a quick and painless experience. There is certainly no need to tie a rock around Shirley’s ankles – we’ll save that for the nurse at the other lab (we’ll call her Eviline) that I’ve gone to in the past.
And I guarantee you that Eviline would not be floating. Shirley would be bobbing around all happy and cheery on the top of the water – while Eviline would be plummeting to the very depths of the bloody hellish water that she came from.
Thank you Shirley.