Seeing as how I have not devoted one single blog to this monthly event, and seeing as how this is my favorite topic in all of the world, I would be remiss in not talking about May and all that it has stood for.

Memorial Day?  All well and good – honors to our soldiers – but no.

Mother’s Day?  All well and good – honors to our mothers – but no.

May has become, according to someone who does these kind of things on a regular basis, NATIONAL HAMBURGER MONTH!  That’s correct – the entire month of May has been dedicated to the burger of ham, the patty of perfectness, the round mound of rebound, the lord of the meat.  I have celebrated by having an average of 3.56 burgers per week during May – so I have definitely done my part to drive this month-long holiday up to the top of the month-long holiday charts.

No National Hamburger Month (or NHM for us in the know) would be complete without a short review of my favorite hamburger restaurant.  So Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado, I bring you:

McDonald’s Hamburger Restaurant – A Review of Perfected Perfectness

A good restaurant will invite you in to its open, waiting arms.  An attractive entry area, sitting area, kind host or hostesses – all add to your existential experience of the restaurant.  Walking into this McDonald’s, you are swept in to a world of vim and vigor, of mirth and giddiness.

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Note the austere lines of symmetry on the walls and how they contrast and play with the smooth, straight lines of the floor tiles.  Note also the clean, orderly appearance of the booths clamoring for your attention.  What also sets this restaurant apart from others is the superb use of indirect lighting, enhancing the global appeal of the brand and beckoning you into its opening arms.

As important as the appearance and ambiance of the restaurant can be, what sets this particular branch of this chain apart from others is the food.  For after all, what is a restaurant without good quality food.  Nothing, says I.  My lunch:

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Paradise.  Value for money – 5 Greasy Fries.  Appearance – 5 Greasy Fries.  Mouth-watering ability – 5 Greasy Fries.  I have found my Mecca – and it shall forever be mine.  The wrapping of the double cheeseburger is flawless, with each crinkle of unfolding crisp, white paper a small shot of ecstasy.  The golden-brown French fries thrown casually into a neat red container shout to the world:  “I don’t care how I look in my package, I’m about to ROCK in your mouth”.   The large sweet tea teasing us with the ‘Taste Matters’ slogan that pulls you deep into its sugary goodness.   Wow.  I have to sit down here for a second.

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The melted cheese cascades over the beautifully formed and perfectly cooked hamburger patties – causing your taste buds to form tendrils of drool before they are allowed to have a single bite.  The pickle of course is removed prior to eating, but it has become a tradition now instead of a nuisance – and it is appreciated.  Note how the bun has also been allowed to have a few onions placed on top of it.  This is an exciting and tastefully decadent change that has been noted on recent visits.  Brilliance.

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No longer a sideshow, the French Fries (capitalized here to show their importance) have become a true destination food by themselves.  Reminding one of baby birds trying to get out of a nest, these fries have matured and are ready for consumption by a hungry public.  The crispness of biting down on a fry, to have the crusty outer layer collapse into a warm potatoey mash in the inside, is a sensory experience that cannot be matched outside of this McDonald’s.  Whether you prefer the squared-ended versions or the pointy-ended version, there are enough varieties of fries in this one medium order to satisfy the most hard-headed of food critics.  Brilliance Take 2.

Now.  The Crowning Jewel of McDonald’s.  Sweet tea?  No, I’ve already devoted another blog to that nectar of the Gods.  I now give you the best part of any McDonald’s meal.  After (sadly) all of the fries are gone, you look deep down in the bottom of the fry container and find this:

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A browned, greasy, crunchy bit of fry.  You wet your finger and press slowly down on the tasty morsel to have it stick to your finger.  You slowly put the bit into your mouth and feel the grease trickle down the back of your throat.  Brilliance Take 3.  And it’s a wrap.  I need to sit down again.

Final rating for this restaurant?  5 out of 5 Greasy Fries.  Bravo.

OK, I just read this again.  I may have a problem.

But I bet you’re heading to McDonald’s now, aren’t you?  Don’t be surprised if you start to find this blog sponsored by Ronald and company very soon.

Happy NHM!

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