So by now if you’ve read any of my other stuff (here, or here, or here) you know that I’m getting older. Not just older in a “hey….Happy Stupid Birthday!” kind of way, but not only am I getting older, I’m getting old. There is a distinct difference those two things and all evidence that I can please the Court with proves my point. In honor of this by the way, all pictures on this story are black and white. Please do not adjust your sets.
Speaking of which – did anyone ever see the Happy Days episode where Howard had bought the first ‘color’ television for his family? It was a pane of glass that you would put in front of the television – the top third was tinted blue, the bottom third was tinted green and the middle was clear. What it was supposed to do was on that one split-second where there was grass and sky in the perfect proportion it would show everything in a beautiful color display. Brilliant. I’ve always wondered about how much some guy made off of that ‘invention’. But I digress….
Anyway, I would like to introduce two exhibits to the jury to prove my point of oldness.
When I was a kid, I would look at people sitting a certain way and think to myself “If I ever sit like that it proves that I’m old.” That way, my friends, has now made an entrance in my life. When I was young and cool – or at least just young – I would sit in a devil-may-care fashion thusly:
Ankle to thigh, bottom of foot showing to all, proudly portraying a casual attitude that hid the inner ruggedness that would one day make me a man. I would look across the room, though, and I would see people sitting like THIS:
And scoff. What was up with THAT? Why was there no gappage between thighs? Thigh gappage is very important and cannot be overstated. They didn’t seem to understand that sitting like that made them look, well……OLD.
So not too long ago – I realized that I now sit like that old man. Gappage is gone, ankle is now hanging all akimbo as if looking for the floor (see EXHIBIT B below), and you know what? It’s darn comfortable. This way of sitting hugs me down to my very core. Why as you get older do we start sitting like this? No idea – but it DOES provide non-arguable evidence to my continuing decline.
Have you ever heard the phrase “jump out of bed and get a fresh start to the morning!.” It’s usually said by super-annoying people after they’ve had 15 cups of coffee and stand around in the kitchen telling you what they’ve done so far that day. I would just quietly jump out of bed. No accolades needed, thank you very much.
That’s all changed however. Here are the steps to my getting up now:
- Wake up
- Open eyelids (a completely separate step from #1)
- Note if all parts seem to be in the same place and in a working fashion
- Swing one leg over the edge of the bed – carefully avoiding the temptation to set it down on the floor.
- Look at the floor to determine where my foot will hit
- After examining the alternatives, place my foot in the correct location
- Test carefully the footing
- Repeat with other leg
- Make a loud noise while seeing if legs will support me
- Hoist (yes, that is the appropriate word) myself on to my legs
- Make a loud noise
- Start to think about moving
It’s like the friggin’ moon landing just to get out of bed. Every single time.
So your honor, you have the evidence and I believe it’s an airtight case.
I have become old.