Nudists and Fireworks Can’t Possibly Mix

Posted: July 7, 2013 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I guess I’ve never been involved in the various aspects of social media like I’ve been this year.  Maybe it’s that there are just more and more people on social media than ever and they post every picture of their lives.  I don’t have a problem with that, do what you want.  But I can definitely say that I have never seen more pictures and videos of fireworks than I did this year.  I’m not judging – I write a stupid blog – but I was completely inundated with video of fireworks, and even more strangely (to me), PICTURES of fireworks.

I say strangely, because I can’t think of anything more non-static than a firework blast.  Sure – get an occasional White House in the backgrounwhitehoused or Photoshop an American flag in the foreground and you’ve got something, but a picture of a solitary firework is like a picture of a NASCAR race.  There’s no movement – it doesn’t capture the spirit of the day or the spirit of the moment.

Speaking of the spirit of the day, in the TRUE spirit of freedom, liberty and civility we have a local country club very close to our house that has an annual July 4th fireworks celebration that can’t be beat.  Of course we can’t actually sit and watch it at the club since we aren’t members – so what many people do is park alongside the road that leads to the country club and enjoy the fireworks from semi-afar.  It is always an awesome display.  But the country club, as country clubs are liable to do, didn’t like people seeing the fireworks IN THE STUPID FREE SKY that didn’t pay for membership to the club.  So last year they surreptitiously moved the event to July 3rd to avoid the ‘weather’ that was expected the next night.  OK, fine.  But this year they did it again in perfect weather – and this reporter has determined that it was because they didn’t want the ‘crowds’ (approximately 50 extra people) getting the milk for free.  By surprising the flagneighborhood with the display on the 3rd, they have successfully alienated the entire surrounding neighborhood while ruining the spirit of the 4th.  Congratulations Snob McSnobbersteins.

It’s now July 7 – and darned if I didn’t hear fireworks still going on last night around the neighborhood.  Leftovers?  How can you have leftover fireworks?  WHY would you have leftover fireworks?  If you just discovered a bag you missed, well just hold your horses and wait until next year.

Another July 4th note.  Up in West Virginia there is a nudist colony.  No lie.  I guess technically it’s a clothing optional colony, but seriously why would you go there and lounge around in your big old Bermuda Shorts and Ralph Lauren polo shirt while your grandfather was walking around naked?  Don’t answer that.  Actually, don’t even visualize that.  Another thing to not visualize – they have a tennis court at this colony.  I know because I Google-mapped it and went to the satellite image.  That’s how much I love the tons of in-depth research needed for this blog.  A tennis court just leaves so many unanswered questions that will remain un-visualized and un-answered.nudists

Anyway, I found out recently that this nudist colony has one of the largest firework displays in that part of West Virginia.  The thought of everyone sitting around letting their “freedom” hang out on towels buck-naked watching the symbols of American pride blow up in the sky is something that every red-blooded American boy and girl should be proud of.  They also celebrate “Nude Year’s Day” and “Honkey Tonk in the Holler” but that’s a blog for another day.

So that’s the image I’ll leave you with.  Your Aunt Bessie (62 years young) sitting completely naked on a red and white checked picnic blanket while your naked Uncle Leroy (78 years young – the family always was a little ashamed of the age difference) feeds her big fat purple grapes with the fireworks proudly bursting overhead.

Maybe the ten gazillion pictures of just fireworks aren’t so bad after all.

  1. I would imagine the folks launching the fireworks at that nudist colony have to be extra careful so as not to singe any dainty bits… I saw a ton of fireworks pictures on Facebook too, but they were mostly blurry and/or underexposed, so they weren’t even GOOD fireworks pictures. I feel cheated. Also, check your email, sir.


  2. Yes, let’s remember how we fought for freedom in America so that we could go back to acting like the aristocracy under King George III! The irony is lost of these country club types. I think it’d be funny if somehow the nudist colony managed to afford the fees for the country club . . .


  3. BrainRants says:

    You have to have seen the YouTube of the dumbass with a roman candle jammed in his ass. After that, watch internet cats. You’ll need to.


    • Ha – guess what? When I was doing the graphics for this page, I at first thought about putting up images of just plain stupid people doing stupid firework things. So I Google-Imaged ‘dumb firework people’ and I believe the video in question was #1 on the Hit Parade. I guess it all depends on which way the rocket is facing.


  4. writerinsoul says:

    Well, you’re on to Club Snobbery this year, right? You may have to park up there every night this week in case they pull another fast one and have them on the 2nd or something.


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