Not First or Second World, definitely not Third. Since Fourth World problems are reserved for only a very tiny minority of accountants residing in a small office in Saginaw, Michigan, I’m deeming these all to be Fifth World problems. We’ll hereby define ‘Fifth World Problems’ as:
“The minor annoyances of everyday life that Tim notices that other people let slide because they’re more mature than Tim is – but that are too short for a whole blog so he combines them all into one big hot mess.”
You’ll notice that this is Sector Alpha. This is because I can guarantee you that if I start listing all of my minor annoyances we’ll quickly grow to a “War and Peace” sized novel. Don’t worry – I’ll just give you four of them right now and come back to Sector Beta/Charlie/Delta/etc. later on in my life.
1. Hairy Advil & the Lack of a Working Drinking Fountain
The other day I was at an office building and had a pretty bad neck ache. I tend to have a lot of aches and pains in my life so I also tend to horde aspirin in my pockets like a squirrel grabbing nuts for the winter. I reach in and find an Advil – score! Pop it in my mouth, go over to the only water fountain in sight, and push the button for that cool flow of water to hit my mouth. Zippo. I’m stuck with an Advil in my mouth and no water. So I spit the pill out into my hand and put it back in my pocket. Unbeknownst to me our dog, cat and/or other hairy mammal living in the house had made a small nest in my pocket. I finally got to the next water fountain and pulled the suddenly-now-very-hairy Advil out of my pocket. Quandary. I took the only option I had. Popped it in my mouth and sucked on it until all of the hair fell off and it gathered into a little tiny hair ball in the back of my throat, thereby very scientifically separating the pill from the hair. I’m a disgusting human being.
It reminds me of when I was trying to impress this girl in college. For some reason it seemed like a manly thing to do to take an Excedrin without any water. Not just swallowing it of course, I had to chew it first. That was a wonderful experience. But it obviously worked to impress her – because I’m still married to her. And still addicted to Excedrin.
I love my grocery store salads. Three neat and tidy little compartments of creamy goodness. I always put the salad in the main compartment, and then macaroni salad in one of the small ones and cottage cheese in the other. Don’t judge. I’m very careful, to the point of obsessive, that the three don’t touch while in the grocery cart, threw the check-out process, the bagging, and the loading into the car. It’s important – it really is. So the other day I did this and made it all the way home with three perfectly separated compartments. I took the much-anticipated lunch out of the bag, and carefully put it on the counter. Well, I put about 25% of the much-anticipated lunch on the counter. The other 75% was hanging all willy-nilly in midair. Isaac Newton was correct unfortunately. It fell to Earth with a plastic bang like only half-filled salad containers can make. All my hard work was for nothing. (side note – I scraped it all back up and ate it anyway). We need some floor-to-ceiling salad compartment walls in our plastic salad containers and we need them NOW.
Nobody likes to vacuum. For some reason in my house I’m the only one that vacuums – which is odd because I’m normally the one not to do anything constructive at all. But when I vacuum, everything better be OK. No clothes on the floor, no dogs in the way, all that kind of good vacuum-prep stuff. A couple of weeks ago I decided to go on one my vacuuming rants. Took probably 30-45 minutes and did the whole house. Great sense of accomplishment. Look down at the vacuum and see with a singking heart that I had the vacuum on the ‘Hard Floor’ setting – i.e. no spin, only suck. Therefore, I really hadn’t done crap for anything except to scare a few particles of dust for the last 30-45 minutes. This item is now on my pre-vacuuming checklist, in addition to ensuring that the hose is actually connected to the vacuum. I’ve done that too – probably looking like I had exhaust blowing out my butt from all the dust flying around.
4. National Cheeseburger Day
There is NOTHING about National Cheeseburger Day that I find annoying. It’s the celebration of everything that’s good and right about this world we live in. What I found annoying was going to Silver Diner and seeing the following sitting right there smacking me in the face:
This restaurant was just full of cringe-inducing buzzwords and phrases that make my all-natural blood curdle. “Farm to Table” and “Hormone Free” just to name a few. Not that I have anything against eating healthy on National Cheeseburger Day of course, but those phrases are now thrown around by anyone and everyone that tries to sell you food. I, for one, won’t stand for it. I like my meat with hormones, by jiminy, and expect a full plate of hormones when I order. BIG hormones. The kind you can taste.
So those are just four of the Fifth World problems I’ve encountered lately. Stay tuned for approximately 2,138 more that are already in my head.