If there are two things I like more than anything – it’s a good Apple app in the App Store and a good clean restroom that exhibits a strong case of privy privacy. I never thought that I would be able to combine those two things into one blog, but thanks to the Great American Ingenuity Train pulling into the station I now can. This blog will be split into two sections (number one and number two….haha, get it?) since I have so much to say about this. Be prepared and hide the little children.
OK. The app. I found an app called ‘Men’s Room Mayhem’ in the App Store. Don’t even ask me what I was searching for when I came across it. Just don’t. It’s funny enough just thinking about the app, but read some of the descriptions of this app IN THEIR OWN WORDS:
“Fingers at the ready! Keep your nerve steady – its sanitary insanity!”
I only wish I could have written that line. It’s blog brilliance.
“Get your customers safely to the urinals and cubicles in time – but hurry! Otherwise there’ll be a few nasty accidents for you to clean up! Avoid fights by strategically steering patrons past each other with pinpoint precision, but be careful, patrons pile up fast while the drinks are flowing – so mind your pee’s and queues! And if your customers have a run in, fists will be flying!”
How can you NOT buy this app? I only wish I had come up with the idea for it before they did. They call this the “ultimate Toilet gaming experience”. First of all, Toilet is appropriately capitalized here to signify the importance of the device. Second of all, are there OTHER Toilet game experiences? And no, I’m not going to search for them.
You can also get extra points in this sublime game for ‘etiquette’ – leaving an empty urinal between two people or making sure things are properly cleaned up. It’s just oozing fun, isn’t it? You’re gonna buy it, aren’t you? You can’t stop yourself.
Seeing this app out there made me pause reflectively. I do that sometimes. Do you ever sit and wonder how much time out of your life you spend in the bathroom? Not putting on make-up, brushing your teeth, bathing, showering – but time actually spent “in the bathroom”. Time that, we’ll call for the sake of smaller children reading this – “knitting socks”. It’s astronomical. I’m figuring that most people spend an average of 30 minutes a day knitting socks. Some more, some less, but if you spend 30 minutes a day knitting socks, that’ s 3.5 hours per week. 182 hours a year, and if you’re 40 years old you have spent 7,280 hours knitting socks in your lifetime. That’s almost ONE SOLID YEAR of knitting socks. Well technically, January 1 to October 30. You’re coming out for Halloween. So now when you’re sitting and wondering – you have the numbers. You’re welcome.
I was sitting there one day knitting socks during my allotted 30 minutes a day, and someone came in and was using the stall next to mine. He finished up, flushed and immediately scared the crap right out of me by bellowing out a mighty
“HERE IT COMES……….!!!!!”
What, exactly, am I supposed to do with THAT information? I’ll tell you what I did, I sat there and watched about 10,000 gallons of water, a veritable tsunami of toilet water, spew out of the toilet next to me and under my door while I raised my feet as far as possible. I can’t imagine myself in more of an awkward position than I was in that day. I’ve tried. And I can’t. It didn’t end real well, but I’ll spare you the details. I’m alive and that’s all that’s important.
Since we’re on the subject of bathroom stalls, does anyone else routinely suffer near-impalement at the hands of the coat hook jutting out from the back of the stall door? It’s the worst when you think it’s a push outward door, but really it’s a pull inward. I have just about lost an eye on those things. Could we just standardize bathroom stall door access swinging direction please? Is that too hard to do? I blame the Canadians for using the metric system to measure the screws or something.
You’d think that those are my only two bathroom issues – but you’d be wrong. Come back in a few days for ‘Men’s Room Mayhem – Number Two’. In the meantime, download the app and as the app itself proudly proclaims:
“Download Men’s Room Mayhem today and become the master of bathroom etiquette and cleanliness. Find out what really goes on behind cubicle doors”