Men’s Room Mayhem – Number Two

Posted: October 25, 2013 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

As previously discussed with your parents, this is the second part of the Men’s Room Mayhem that was broached earlier this week.  You would have thought that one blog about the subject would have been enough – well, you would have been wrong.bath2

To recap, for some reason I did a mathematical formula that calculated time spent in the bathroom on a daily basis.  Through extremely scientific sampling methods combined with having a severe stomach ache one day, I calculated that the average person spends 30 minutes a day knitting socks (please refer to aforementioned formulas for a glossary of terms).

So you may be asking yourself, what happens if you go OVER your allotted time per day?  I may have done that a time or two.  I was in an office building once that had light sensors to turn the lights out when no one was in there.  That was unbeknownst to me at the time.  So I’m just sitting there, minding my own business when the lights went out.  Boom.  Out.  So now I’bath1m sitting there in the dark.  So I started waving my arms like Bruce Willis in “Die Hard: The Crappy One” when he was waving off a 747 flown by the guy from Star Trek.  But no lights came on.  Luckily, someone else came in and the lights came back on.  I’m not even going to imagine his thoughts when he figured out that HE turned the lights on, but yet there was someone else already in the stall.  Knitting socks.  Obviously then I had to wait until HE left before I could leave so as not to be seen.

There are many forms of bathroom etiquette that should be followed in a men’s room.  I’m sure there are equal amounts of etiquette for women about powdering their noses and general gussying up, but seeing as how I don’t have any experience being a woman I’ll save that for another blogger somewhere.

Etiquette #1 – When a stall is occupied, do not EVER enter the stall next to that person unless there is no viable alternative.  I’ll be in a bathroom with 5 stalls and take the one next to the wall – and invariably the next person that comes in sits right next to me.  Well, not RIGHT next to me – that would be awkward.  They sit in the stall next to me – which is still awkward, but not nearly so threatening.

Etiquette #2 – Remove all security badges before entering a stall.  I can’t tell you how uncomfortable it is to be knitting socks and have the person that is blatantly violating Etiquette #1 above sit down and have their security badge clipped on to their pants.  For you see, when the pants come down the badge is basically just lying there on the floor.  And horror of horrors – if it’s face up you are left sitting there staring at the poorly-pictured face of the etiquette-hating baboon next to you.

Toilets have also gotten all fancy with the whole ‘saving the planet’ line of logic.  Here is a sign from a recent bathroom I was in:


So now you have to decide which type of waste was produced.  That is WAY too much thinking for this guy.  Where’s the middle ground?  What if you have both liquid AND solid waste?  No one seems to consider these things but me.

Even more astonishing is the toilet I came across in one of my many travels.  This toilet flushed based on the TIME THAT YOU WERE ACTUALLY SITTING ON THE SEAT!  The longer the sit, the longer the flush.  There are so many loopholes in that logic that I can’t even begin to tackle them all.  I just feel for the guy that’s actually sitting behind the wall with his little stopwatch timing the performance and then using some sort of graphing calculator to determine the flush length.  He must go home at night and hug his wife and children and wonder what he did to deserve this.  In an exclusive to readers of this blog, I managed to sneak in the wall yesterday and take this picture of him:


And THAT is the perfect way to end this second and final bathroom edition.  An Old Man and a Watch.  Ernest Hemingway would be so proud.

  1. Please allow me to re-blog this on my site! I’ve been planning a public bathroom etiquette post for ages, but this one covers 50% of the issue and is too funny!


  2. Aussa Lorens says:

    Hilarious. Also– what on earth is a “non-gender” child???


  3. Carrie Rubin says:

    Nothing like bathroom humor to make us all laugh, even if we try to pretend it doesn’t. Funny post! I now have the image of you sitting in the dark on the toilet. Oh, so lonely…


  4. Reblogged this on Ethel & Everett Go RVing and commented:
    Dear Readers – I’ve been planning a public ladies’ room etiquette post for some time, and I’ll get to it . . . soon. Really. But in the meantime, I found THIS and just had to share with you. I know, I know, two posts in one day is too much, right? So read it tomorrow, ok?


  5. Jennie Saia says:

    That amazing moment when the CEO sits in the stall next to you, and you know it’s her because you recognize her very expensive shoes, and she proceeds to have severe gastrointestinal distress, and you can’t look her in the eye for weeks…

    This was the *perfect* lunchtime post!


  6. Laura Lynn says:

    Great post. Thought provoking. And I love the euphemism ‘knitting socks’.


  7. writerinsoul says:

    People, at least the lemming kind, seem to have a homing instinct that makes them head directly for another person no matter the circumstances. Suppose you’re at a swimming pool on a chaise lounge and you’re the only person in a sea of 100 empty chairs; bet the next person to come along will set up camp in the chair immediately adjacent yours.

    You forgot to write about the dastardly auto-on/auto-off sink faucets! Post #3?


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