MUST READ – A Guide to Life

Posted: October 30, 2013 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , ,

The sun cast the first morning glow upon the dewy ground while every blade of grass reached for the oncoming light.  The birds bustled about their business, chirping at the coming day and preparing their brood for the marvelous experiences that the day held for them.   As I woke to this sublime experience, I pondered my life for a moment, slowly shaking the fog of a good night’s sleep from my mind….

Huh?

I just wanted to demonstrate to you that I actually COULD write schmaltzy stuff that tugged at your heart strings if I actually wanted to.  But I don’t want to.  I don’t like being told what to do.  As you’ll see from the below I REALLY despise being told what to do – especially by complete strangers.  Some may claim that this is a personality flaw.  However, I feel that this is a personality DRAW – I like to make my own path, be my own man, and make my own way.  Much like the stupid little birds I mentioned in the first paragraph.

So without further ado – five things that I absolutely hate being told by the outside world:Best Weatherman

Give Yourself a Little Extra Time Getting to Work this Morning

This is directed at you – stupid weather and traffic people.  Don’t tell me how to drive.  Tell me the CONDITIONS that exist outside.  Tell me that roads may be a little slick.  But do NOT tell me to take any more time than I already am.  I don’t need your helpful driving hints – I’m fine by myself.  Especially galling are the news stories before a snow storm about how to drive in hazardous conditions.  “Turn into the skid”, “Have plenty of flares”, “don’t drive in the stupid snow”….are all helpful tips but should already be known by anyone driving.

Next on the list:

Going to a Concert and Being Told What to Do

I just spent $100 on a concert ticket.  I’ve driven to the arena, been herded by uniformed teenagers calling themselves ‘security’, sat down amongst screaming babies, screaming teenagers, crying adults and am all set to listen to a group that I could listen to without ANY stress right at home….and what do they do?  Tell me to STAND UP!  GET LOUD!  No.  I’ve just paid you $400 for a family to come watch you – I’ll sit in my stupid chair if I stupid want to.  If you reduce your ticket to $5 a piece, and take away from my chair, then and only then will I do what you tell me to do.

“Must See” Anything

No….it is not.  It’s a stupid YouTube video.  It’s a news story that I probably don’t care about.  Even CNN is getting in the act now.

MustSee

Back to the weatherman:

Make Sure You Take a Light/Medium/Heavy Jacket Today

Do not PRESUME to know how cold I feel.  I tend to need less jackets than, say, my tropically-friendly wife, so how can you tell me that when it’s 55 degrees I need to have a light jacket with me?  What if I’m wearing (as I’m want to do) a cashmere sweater, eh?  What if I have three layers on – then do I still need to wear a heavy jacket when it’s 25 degrees?  Or should I switch to a medium?  There is just so much left to the imagination.  Just tell me what the temperature is, what the wind speed is, what it might do today (which is a 50-50 proposition at best from most weathermen) and I’LL decide what type of wrap should be obtained for the day’s events.

Finally – the most annoying:

The Sports Fan Who Stands Up and Tells Everyone Else to Cheer

You’re sitting at Imploringa sporting event enjoying yourself.  Your team is rallying (not mine of course, they never seem to) for a hard-earned victory.  You sit there all fat, dumb and happy eating peanuts and a hot dog and what happens?  The guy who spent the same money as you for a ticket sitting three rows in front of you gets up and starts imploring,…no, DEMANDING…that everyone get up and join him in standing like an idiot and cheering.  I’m comfortable.  And who are you to demand my posture change?  I’m sure he’s lots of fun at church when the Gospel is being read.  He’s probably the first one to stand and listens harder than everyone else.

Just let me be.  That is the theme of the day.  There are MANY others I can promise you that tweek my taco, but that will be for a future blog.

In the meantime, I’ve finally come up with a Facebook page devoted solely to this blog.  Go to my new Flying Here in The Middle Facebook page and give it a ‘Like’.

See?  I’m demanding something of you.  Annoying, isn’t it?

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Comments
  1. Just to be on-post I REFUSE to like you on Facebook – well, at least for today. If you don’t say anything, maybe I’ll like you tomorrow!

    Like

  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    Hmm, a bit crotchety today, no? Oh, wait, I feel the same way about being told what to do. Does that mean I’m crotchety, too? Guess I’m not surprised…

    Like

  3. Aussa Lorens says:

    I feel the exact same way about the concert thing– I can’t stand when they’re like “make noise!” “let me see you jump!” Um, no.

    Like

    • Let me see you jump??? What kind of concerts do YOU go to? Standing is bad enough.

      Like

      • Aussa Lorens says:

        Standing is definitely bad enough. I used to have a box at our local venue so I would just go to every random concert that came along– which meant I ended up at a Green Day concert and that guy was all into crowd control, to the point that it was creepy. He’d make people jump, yell “Eff Bush” and all this other stuff. Uber weird. I was just like “Please play ‘Time of Your Life’ so I can leave, thanks.”

        Like

  4. Melanie says:

    The irony of your title is not lost on me. Well played.

    Like

  5. Jennie Saia says:

    Yessssssssssss. (angry snake whisper) I HATE standing at concerts, and I hate that sitting in my seat means I can’t see. Angry all around, unless it’s the right kind of music for dancing, in which case I’ve bought cheap seats out on the lawn and am semi-drunkenly flinging my arms around, bystanders BEWARE!

    Like

    • Ok. I have to admit even in the drunken arm-swinging lawn seats I prefer to just chill on my blanket while it slowly gets kicked into a 3-foot ball encircling my body. I hate concerts. In fact the last concert I went to was Linkin PArk last summer here at an outdoor venue. Cost? Nothing. Cuz I went right as they came on and sat out in the parking lot in the back of my truck.

      Like

  6. Christine says:

    OMG, tailgating to avoid the annoyance of rubbing elbows with those who actually LIkE going to concerts is SUCH a great idea.

    Like

  7. writerinsoul says:

    “Bring in your pets and check on your elderly neighbors.”

    Like

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