Parking the Behemoth

Posted: November 19, 2013 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

After almost a year of doing these blogs, you probably would think I’m running out of prime material.  On the other hand, maybe after reading a couple of these blogs you may think I never really HAD prime material.  Either way, I have yet to hit a significant writer’s block.  That may be because I can pretty much be annoyed by or am interested in the least significant little pebble on the cliff of life. I can take the smallest nidbit of a tidbit of a crumb of a brownie and turn it into a blog about industry snack-creation practices.  That’s because my mind works that way – concentrate on the small and insignificant and ignore the bigger picture.  That’s what made this country great, right?

Todays’ nidbit?  Parking.  Specifically….my inability to park my own truck like a normal human being.  I love my truck and it’s 155,000 miles that I’ve put on it.  I don’t ever want a new truck as long as this behemoth keeps giving me a trusty 16 miles per gallon highway.  It’s got an incredible sound system so I’ll trade those extra miles for an ear-shattering bass beat any day of the week.  While the heater only works when you’re moving and not when you’re just sitting at a light or idling, this truck was built to MOVE….not sit still.


I love everything about this truck.  It’s taken my family to Prince Edward Island for a vacation in a haunted house.  It’s taken my family to Maine to harvest blueberries and climb lighthouses.  It’s taken us to the ocean…it’s taken us to the wheat fields.  It’s cruised the mountains.  I love it.

And I can only park it backwards.

Funny thing is – I can park it backwards better than four out of five people can park forwards.  DEFINITELY better than I can park forwards.  It’s gotten to the point where I scoff at people parking forwards….thinking that they are lesser of a human being than I.  They have no idea of the freedom of coming out of the grocery store, climbing aboard your trusty steed, putting it in drive, and boom.  You’re on the road.  Nope….they have to deal with the Y-turns, and neck cricks, and oncoming idiots (like me) that are flying down the middle of the parking lot.  Not I.

I don’t know what it is about this truck that causes this.  Whether it’s a too tight turning radius, a too long tail, or a bulky back end (sounds like a girlfriend I had once….) I cannot judge how to pull in frontwards into a parking space.  Even if it’s a wide open space I won’t hit it between the lines.   It has to be a pull-through.

Which brings up the next point about my parking practices.  Why do people spend 15 minutes trying to ‘find’ a parking space in a relatively wide-open lot that MAY be 100 yards closer than another part of the parking lot that’s wide open?  My family is constantly making fun of me for parking so far away, but when you are burning gas at the rate of 16 MPG you need to get ‘er parked and shut down.  Just take the stupid spot and be done with it.  Don’t spend your life looking for a marginally closer parking spot.

Next on my hit list – the idiots that park in two spaces because their car/truck/SUV is supposedly so much better than everyone else’s car.  The diagonal park.  The ‘Park of Mark’ because I used to know a guy named Mark that would put his car in this position every single day at work.


How do you even measure the ego on a guy that parks like this?  He is truly saying that his life is SOOOO much more important than yours…..and not only his life, but his big piece of honkin’ metal is more important than your comfort.  I am proud to say that I have NEVER parked in two spots…..intentionally.

Finally, there is the growing trend of parking spot racism.  There are handicapped spaces that are fine…spaces for ‘expectant mothers’…..spaces for ‘mothers with small children’.  But did you know about these spaces?:


That’s right – complete and total bigotry against my 16 MPG Dodge Ram.  You’ll notice that those are my tires in the picture as well, crowding the obvious Prius that will be pulling in all fat, dumb and happy to that spot.  That’s my brand of revolution.

To conclude, may your Prius be forever scratched and underpowered while my truck keeps rolling from gas station to gas station, happily sucking down the nectar of the Gods from the unleaded fuel pump.

  1. Carrie Rubin says:

    As a Prius driver, your truck could crush me silly. On the other hand, I’m a pretty decent parker, if I do say so myself. And I’ve got that parallel parking thing down pat.

    As for power, my Prius does all right. I was pleasantly surprised. On the other hand, I’d get much better gas mileage if I didn’t drive so fast. I suppose it’s an oxymoron when my red Prius goes flying by in the passing lane…


  2. I’m with you on just park and be done with it. The person who walks the fewest feet does not “win.” I’ve owned a Ford Explorer and a Prius. I took on different personalities with each one. The Explorer was more fun.


  3. Linda says:

    I’m a big fan of the pull-through. Reverse is not one of my favorite gears. So I am in awe of your ability to back into a parking space.


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