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Not to blow my own horn, but I LOVE the title to this blog. That’s just an aside I threw in here for no apparent reason. ‘Aside’ is a dumb word, isn’t it? An aside is a side note to a main point – so why is not just a side?
I digress (shocker). Imagine yourself sitting on the beach with a better body than you actually have, younger than you actually are, and MUCH more cool around women/men that you seem to be. Oh wait – that’s my dream. Imagine it anyway. Ocean trade winds pushing the wonderful aroma of the ocean at you….the tiny grains of sand weaving their way into every fiber of your body….the soft sounds of the crashing waves making you feel alive like you’ve never alivened before.
Headphones in, listening to this FANTASTIC radio station that you just came across and all is wonderful with the world. The Ramones come on with the gentle strains of ‘Teenage Lobotomy’, and as that wonderful tune fades out it is replaced by the equally soothing ‘The World is a Vampire’ by Smashing Pumpkins. Just when you think it can’t get better, Linkin Park comes on and sends your brain deeper into a relaxation frenzy by calmly serenading you with ‘Bleed it Out’. Life could not get any better.
And then it happens. Those first few notes of a horrible song come on and jolts you back into reality. You’re fat, you’re old and you have no game. Yes. That’s the effect it truly has.
With that being said, I give you my ‘Top 5 Groups That Immediately Cause Me to Slam the Radio to Pieces When Their Songs Come On’. These are all known groups – and are played enough to immediately recognize most songs of theirs – and they make me want to not listen to music forever. I hate them, I hate their music, and that’s just how it has to be. I completely understand and accept that this is totally my opinion and more likely than not you won’t agree with me. So post in the comments your least favorite. Note that Nickelback and Hinder (traditional hater’s gold groups) aren’t even on my list. Yes….that’s right. I like at least one of their songs. So sue me….
In reverse order of hatred that causes me to wretch for the radio dial:
The only reason that kids started liking them was that they thought the band looked and dressed cool and they sang songs about things that teenage boys THOUGHT should be cool. Not one single person ever has liked one of their songs or listened to one of their concerts. Those people that go to the concerts (are the band members even still alive?) are the teenagers of the 70’s/80’s and have not figured out that weed is no longer considered the best thing since sliced bread. That apparently now is Netflix.
4) Dave Matthews Band
As soon as I hear the first few twangs of that peculiar guitar or whatever it is, the channel is changed. Every single song sounds exactly the same….you have to be drunk to like it… and no one can actually understand the words anyway. So that’s three strikes – Matthews – OUT!
3) Michael Jackson
The King of Pop? Please. Talented, maybe. Anything to be revered, no. While I don’t like him at all personally, I’m trying to keep that out of the picture here. His music, is well, just music. Michael Jackson is one of those guys that has entered the realm of “everything thinks they have to worship him for some reason” – joining Bob Dylan and Prince in the West Wing of the 3rd floor. I’m sure that this will be the one that everyone screams about, so please feel free to let me know why I’m an idiot who doesn’t like Mr. Jackson’s music. I’ll argue against, even vociferously, I promise you.
2) Hall & Oates
Schmaltzy. That’s really all that needs to be said. Their music really is like the vanilla pudding of the rock and roll world. Sure, it tastes good if sampled quickly – but there is absolutely nothing to it and you get tired of it before you get to the bottom of the bowl. I’m still haunted by one of the first videos I saw on TV – it was a Christmas video by Hall & Oates and the little one was dressed up as – wait for it – an elf. It was absolutely horrendous and still gives me bad dreams at this time of year.
1) The Red Hot Chili Peppers
I don’t think any single person out there can argue this ranking of RHCP at #1. They’re annoying, they wear annoying costumes, they sing annoying songs, they are played an annoyingly annoying amount of times, and they act like THEY are annoyed all the time. Shouldn’t WE be the ones complaining about THEM? The good thing about them (see Dave Matthews Band above for another) is that their songs are SO distinctive that it’s ridiculously easy to identify them and turn the channel before even a word is uttered. So kudos to them for that! They’ve given us such brilliant songs as ‘Apache Rose Peacock’, ‘Catholic School Girl’s Rule’, and ‘Mellowship Slinky in B Major’. You can never laugh at ‘Teenage Lobotomy’ again.
So that’s my list. Pop on your one stupid glove, smoke that last joint, and let me know why I’m an idiot. Or let me know if you agree. Either way, just let me know. But know deep down in your heart that you absolutely and positively DO agree with me. You’re just afraid to admit it.