This is the edition of the blog where my family finally throws down the gauntlet. I swear to you that this has been coming for a long time. The airing of this dirty laundry….the revealing of the inner workings of the family unit… the unveiling of this portal into the mystery that is home life…all of these things conspire to culminate in one big obgloviously large mass of putrid smelling fault-snot.
The simple truth is stated simply (as it should be). In my house, every single thing that goes wrong with technology is my fault. I told you it was simple. I can’t tell you how many times per day that someone in my lovely household yells at me for something that is totally not my fault. Note that the below examples are NOT embellishments. They are true. I’m sure ‘someone’ will comment on these saying that it never happened – but that’s only because they live in their own little sublime world of everything being my fault to begin with.
I could honestly go on for pages about all of the issues that arise, but suffice it to say that if a computer glitch occurs, a blue screen of death arises from the ashes, a show is not DVR’d in its entirety, EVERY SINGLE THING TECHNOLOGICALLY-SPEAKING IS MY RESPONSIBILITY.
Take Windows 8. Did I design it? I don’t think so – but if you want to print off a PDF from within Windows 8 and it won’t work that obviously falls in the realm of my responsibility. Not Mr. Gates. Little old me. If the ‘user’ can’t find where Windows 8 plopped one of their illegal downloads, if a random virus pops up that causes ads to flash up every once in a while, if the computer itself is slow as molasses WHEN SEVEN INTERNET WINDOWS ARE OPEN – all my bad.
Take Verizon FIOS. If the FOX TV network wants to start all of their shows 30 seconds early or let them run 30 seconds long and I miss a word or two on the DVR – then it is entirely my fault for not realizing that some corporate suit in New York wanted to mess with every single DVR-owner in these great United States. If the bill goes up $3 per month for some unknown reason – yep – my fault. If the super-fast fantastically amazing internet speed that they promise goes down by 4KBS – again, you got it – all me.
Take Video-on-Demand. A great invention. However, if it somehow freezes because of an internal network glitch or poor internet signal? Totally my fault. If the FOX TV network (I’m sensing a theme….) doesn’t allow fast forwarding in all of their Video-on-Demand network shows, then is my wife picking up the phone and calling Rupert Murdoch? Nope – all me, baby.
Interestingly enough – I’m the one that has to do the yelling when my wonderful wife won’t watch a show in HD. She watches it in standard definition because she can’t tell the difference (really????) and the HD doesn’t matter to her. What might matter to her is when I have to buy a new big-screen TV because the current one is starting to get black lines melted into the screen on the two sides from where she is watching the latest Lifetime movie in 1960ish technology.
By the way, I got yelled at the other day when she wanted to DVR a movie. I said go ahead and do it and she actually said to me, “I’m not allowed to use the DVR….” That’s right, apparently I’m a DVR-Nazi and won’t ever let her DVR a show when she wants to. I maintain total and complete control over what is being taped, what is being watched and even what is being thought of in this house.
One thing that I do get yelled at for that I DO WHOLEHEARTEDLY deserve (see? I can be fair…) is listening to the TV too loud. My family is notoriously hard-of-hearing (hearing-impaired? Ear-disabled? No, I still have ears. Sound-lacking? Vibrationally-challenged?) so I have to constantly have the TV at a volume that will make small children’s ears actually physically bleed. To combat this, I’ve taken to watching shows with no volume and closed-captioning on. I had no idea that so many things were actually being said – now I have to go back and watch every single movie I’ve ever sat through (except Forrest Gump – I will NEVER watch that again) to catch all the nuances. I do get confused though with the closed-captioning on – I was watching a wonderful little film the other night called ‘The Chernobyl Diaries’ (a lovely little children’s film, by the way) when the closed captioning displayed as:
What does that even mean to sonically-bereft people? Were there screams that I COULD have heard if I could hear? Was someone just typing willy-nilly things on the screen to see if people were paying attention? I really wish that they would make a TV that would just read the closed captioning out loud so that I didn’t have to read it.
So that’s it. I completely digressed off my main point – but that’s only so that when my family gets down this far in the story that they may have forgotten my point entirely. I know that I have. And I’m sure you have too.