The Curious Case Concerning Chameleon Clothing

What you have right there is a serious example of alliteration. If you ever want a headline that grabs the reader around the neck and strangles him within an inch of his life use an awesome amount of alliteration – whether or not it makes sense.

This time however the headline DOES make perfect sense. I have discovered a plot amongst the various Socialist clothing manufacturers of the world to systematically destroy the very fabric (HA!) of civilization as we know it. You won’t read about it in the newspapers, they will categorically deny it, and you may never have experienced it….but someday you will, and if you read this blog with all of its punny alliterations that I could conjure up – you will be prepared.

I have long lived on the wrong side of the velvet rope, let’s be honest. So you probably don’t believe me. But let’s get an example all up in here. Nothing proves my point like an example. Innocently enough, I bought a pair of britches from Old Navy the other week. I bought them online. They were dutifully labeled as the color ‘Carbon’ when I bought them. Let’s take a look at some carbon:

Clearly, carbon is dark gray. So, equally clearly, that’s what I was expecting when the package arrived. I was like a kid in a candy store as I gleefully tore open the box and plastic wrap from the new trousers. This is what I got:

OK – I’m happy. Gray is as gray does is what I always say. Yes. I ALWAYS say that. So I put them in their little resting place in the closet until it was time to unveil them to the world. Yesterday was that day as I donned my gay apparel and proudly paraded myself in my carbon pants out to the world. I looked down and this is what I saw:

Huh? How could these pants turn blue out in the sunlight? You can’t possibly realize the trauma that this causes me – because it literally took me 15 minutes to find a shirt to match a pair of gray pants. And now my mind was blown, as was my fashion sense, in 1 minute of sunlight. I suddenly looked the fool. And I completely blame the fabric kings of the world – because they know me. They know what I’m going to do now – BUY ANOTHER PAIR OF TRUE GRAY PANTS. It’s all a big Fascist plot.

I would have just chalked this up to happenstance had it not happened to me two years earlier. I had been given a ridiculously warm and cozy wool sweater for Christmas that I loved. As you can see, it was a great sandy/brown/golden color:

I wore this outside one day (because frankly it’s too hot to ever wear inside) and was walking around looking stylish in my light brown sweater and an olive drab pant. I may even have been strutting a little because I felt so good. But as ALWAYS happens when I feel good about myself, suddenly I was plunged back into the world of Middle School locker rooms. I raised my hand to wave at a passer-by who was undoubtedly impressed with my garb, and lo and behold my sweater was now GREEN!

That’s right ladies and gentlemen – I was now apparently wearing a green suit that the Jolly Green Giant would have been proud of. I went in quickly to show my family the ludicrousness of the situation and of course when I got inside my sweater turned brown again. Lesson learned – I can now only wear that sweater inside OR outside – but not both. It takes careful planning to ensure that there is not a fashion faux pas the likes which no one has ever seen before.

So consider yourself warned. The next time you go to a dressing room, you may want to wear your infrared goggles to ensure that the fabric isn’t some sort of Communist plot to make you look like an idiot and take your money. In the years of this blog, I have warned so many good people of so many bad things I need to be given some sort of medal.

You’re welcome. From your consumer consultant caring carefully. And constantly.