I’ve recently come across a fashion trend that’s sweeping the nation. Well, I don’t honestly know that it is truly sweeping the nation – but it’s doing the next best thing: sweeping my mind. I’m thinking since my mind is actually my own nation, then I’m safe to declare that this trend is ‘sweeping the nation’. There, I have justified my statement – in my own mind.
I recently came into possession of a North Face pullover. That’s not the sweeping part, since every man, woman and child this side of Jupiter has one of those. No – what sets this one apart is a simple invention. It may even be one of those things that was invented by accident (like air or water…) Nonetheless, this invention has revolutionized my life. Without further ado, I give you:
Before we get into what they are, I’ve compiled a list of my top 7 “holes”:
7) Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute. At one point in my life I wanted to be an oceanographer, but I figured that my aversion to the ocean, waves, and being wet may put a hindrance to this. Woods Hole does great work, including helping the discovery of the Titanic. To be clear, the Titanic was not lost, we just didn’t know where to find it. The SHIP knew where it was the whole time. That’s why I find it odd when we say – “Where are the lost keys?” The keys aren’t lost. They’re sitting somewhere fat, dumb and happy giggling (maybe even chortling) at your misfortune.
6) Shut Your Pie Hole. What a fantastic expression. Who came up with that originally – is it different from an avocado hole? A rutabaga hole? Probably the same person that came up with:
5) Shoot through the Five Hole. If you’re a hockey fan, you know what this refers to – the area right between the legs on a goalie where the players try to shoot the puck. I’m sure if I did research I could probably find out what Holes 1-4 are to a hockey player, but something tells me I may not want to know.
4) Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Beautiful place absolutely inundated by ugly people (at least during the summer). There are more tourists per square inch of territory than any other place on earth in the summer. But the scenery is amazing and if you go on a rainy day in November when schools are in session and all the planes have been grounded – it’s a pretty cool place.
3) Doughnut Hole. This is one of two holes on my list that are the absence of anything. Technically, a doughnut hole is the lack of doughnut, correct? Yet, you can go to any doughnut shop and ORDER DOUGHNUT HOLES! How great is this country?
2) Hole (the rock band). Honestly, I couldn’t begin to tell you the difference between the bands Hole and Garbage. I don’t know which group sings which song – but I know I like them both. And this blog isn’t about Garbage – it only SEEMS like I only talk about garbage.
1) Black Hole. This is the other hole on my list that is the absence of anything. What’s not to like about THIS? It sucks light in? It sucks matter in? It collapses in on itself? It’s a time tunnel to another dimension? Every one of those theories is cooler than all of the other holes combined. This is the hole to end all other holes – literally.
To show that I actually like to give equal time, here are two of my least favorite holes:
1) Corn hole. I don’t understand this game and why people actually BUY corn hole boards. It’s plywood with a hole in it right? What am I missing? Some incredible nuance that I don’t know about? At least curling has little people with brooms sweeping in front of the rock. That’s official curling lingo from this non-Canadian. You should be suitably impressed. Or saddened.
2) Pleasant Valley Country Club Hole #7. I cannot even begin to tell you how many balls have been sacrificed to Lake GotYourTitleist. No matter what club, what tee, what the weather….donk. The sound of a ball hitting the water.
But now I have a brand new #2 favorite hole. It’s not as cool as a Black Hole, but thumbholes are definitely cooler than Courtney Love singing one of her 90’s songs. I’m not sure why they were first invented, but they can be used for ANYTHING.
See how they can be used for warmth in walking:
See how they can be used for warmth and comfort in driving:
The smoothness with which I can now steer my vehicle makes my 2003 Dodge Ram 1500 feel like a luxury car – like a 2005 Dodge Ram 1500 even. The push/pull/tug/jerk technique of driving that my son is teaching me now seems other-worldly. It’s a joy to behold….and be held.
These have truly made my day more enjoyable. They give me complete mobility amongst my actions while providing me extra palm warmth that’s so desired by today’s active population. I don’t have anything else to say about them except….GENIUS!
And that’s the highest compliment I can bestow.