Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve alphabetized my cereal.
That’s right. The cereal – it has been alphabetized.
I did this several weeks ago and yet my family hasn’t noticed. Odd, don’t you think? The Raisin Bran was in one place a couple of weeks ago, and now it has magically appeared in a different order. Don’t you think that would have raised a red flag somewhere for someone?
It was a difficult task that took some thinking on my part. Don’t scoff – when you have a box of plain Cheerios and then a box of Dark Chocolate Crunch Cheerios riding hard on the plain Cheerios yellow butt, how do you alphabetize? I opted for the Socratic Method of Rubric Canalization of Alphabetizing (the SMARCA Method, for you alphabetizing nerds) to finally accomplish this task – building on the TYPE of cereal (Cheerio, Mini Wheat) vs. the DESCRIPTION of the cereal (Dark Chocolate, Frosted). Anyway, here’s the brilliant result:
You might think that’s a lot of cereal to have in one household. You might think that even more of a lot when tell you that I am literally the only one eating the cereal. My daughter has it sometimes when she’s home from college, but 95% of the time the cereal is purchased, eaten and enjoyed by yours truly. I’ve always loved cereal because it’s the perfect blend of ease of creation, health (ahem….), and luscious goodness.
Since you asked, my preferred method for eating cereal is to pour the cereal all the way to the top of the bowl, add sugar as necessary, add more sugar since of course it’s always necessary, and then fill the bowl with milk to about ¼ inch from the top of the bowl. Utter perfection and ready in seconds. Clean-up is easy, I’m full when it’s done, and it’s a cheap meal. When I was growing up every night for ‘snack’ I had a big bowl of Raisin Bran with two scoops of raisins (well, actually two scoops of sugar) on top. I went to bed happy every night.
I feel it necessary to explain my cereal to you. So here goes from A-Z, and left to right on your radio dial.
1) All-Bran Buds. OK, you KNOW this has to be my wife’s and you would be correct. I don’t think that she even uses it as cereal – rather, she adds it to her yogurt on a daily basis. I mean really – could that be just a little bit more bile-inducing healthy? I’ve never tasted them and I never will – but more than likely they will remain on the left side of the cereal shelf due to their flirtation with the letter ‘A’.
2) Cheerios (Whole Grain). This is one of my healthy cereals. My doctor, when asked what I could do to change my diet to be healthier, specifically said that I should start eating Cheerios to help my cholesterol. Of course she didn’t mention (but I’m sure she would approve) the cup of sugar I pour on them before the milking.
3) Cheerios (MULTI-Grain Dark Chocolate Crunch). Healthy. Hearty. Happy. These are Multi-Grain so that automatically means they have more grains than normal Cheerios. Plus, add the Dark Chocolate factor which is great for your heart and what you’re eating is a spoonful of life with every bite.
4) Chex (Wheat). I bought these a while back because whenever I used to visit my Grandma’s house in St. Louis, Missouri she always had a box of them for us. I added a cup of sugar to each bowl then, and I add a cup of sugar to each bowl of it now. Actually you are kind of forced to do that to get the bad taste of the actual Chex of Wheat out of your mouth.
5) Cinnabon. I mean seriously, who could pass these up? I stumbled across them in Walmart one day and have been crunching them ever since. Literally. They are the friggin’ loudest cereal that I have ever had (except maybe for Waffle Crisp). I can’t even actually eat them when trying to watch TV or carry on a conversation. I don’t even feel comfortable eating them with someone else in the room. But they are a crunchy mess of sugary goodness – and no need to add sugar to them. There. Is. Plenty.
6) Corn Flakes. I basically have this in my collection just for visitors. I don’t like eating Corn Flakes routinely because during the milking process the milk always tends to splash out onto the counter as it cascades off of the random angles of flakes. It’s a mess and it totally ruins the whole Zen experience of cereal eating for me. But yes – when I eat them….there is plenty of sugar added.
7) Grape Nuts. What the hell is a grape nut anyway? Who would have named them this? They’re little nuggets of crunchy…..stuff. I have no idea what they’re made of. They’re not nuts, and they certainly don’t taste grapelike. All I know is that one of the best tastes in the world is after slurping up all of the milk out of the remaining bowl, taking a spoon and grabbing up the last sodden nuts of grape all mixed with milk and sugar. Oh….and yes, there’s a TON of sugar added to these.
8) Honey Smacks. I put these firmly in the Cinnabon category of no sugar needed. But so what? That just means I’m eating healthier by having Honey Smacks, right? I love these and they trounce Golden Crisp cereal. By the way, do you remember when the SUGAR Bear was the mascot for Golden SUGAR Crisp cereal? I do – and I’m still mad that they removed the SUGAR from the title, even if they ARE trounced by Honey Smacks.
9) Mini Wheats (Frosted). These are my main go-to. They are healthy also because they have lots of Wheats in them (mini though they may be). The ‘Frosted’ portion is handy saving me the time of having to sugar my own cereal before the milking. And they are just a lovely combination of professionalism and tact among cereals. My #1 seed of cereals. And yes, I’ve tried some of the other flavors of Wheats classified as ‘Mini’ and I’m not a fan.
10) Raisin Bran. My old standby. From time immemorial I’ve had a box of Raisin Bran on the cereal shelf. I’ll still pull it out occasionally and have a flashback to laying on the yellow shag carpet, eating my bowl of Raisin Bran at 11:30pm on Saturday night and watching Dan Ackroyd and Bill Murray on Saturday Night Live.
So that’s the roster of SMARCA Method-sorted cereals in my current house. You’ll note that there sadly is no box of Alpha Bits (see the nefarious reason why: HERE). Believe this or not, and my wife will vouch for this, I believe every single word I said up above about the healthiness of the various cereals. And sugar. And milk.
Go ahead – alphabetize your cereal today. Long live the Age of Cereal!