The Lab That is My Mind…Automotive Edition

Posted: May 27, 2014 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

With my recent world-renowned invention of Tater Tot Funnel Cake, the public has been clamoring for more of my eye-popping, jaw-dropping, tongue-flopping brilliance. As it happens, I have been collecting ideas for inventions for some time now, foolishly letting them languish in the nether regions of my mind while my fingers pour out drivel like this and this. Let these incredible ideas languish no longer. Here, without any attempt at trademark protection or patent infringement are just a few of those previously-languishing inventions.

Incremental Car Tail Lights
How many times have you been tailgating someone and had their brake lights pop on? You slam the brakes only to find that they had just accidentally brushed their foot across their brake pedal when they were reaching across the seat for that loose cheese puff that had gotten away. They don’t even slow down. You meanwhile have jerked your passengers forward in their seats for no apparent reason. The solution? Incremental Tail Lights (I.T.L). The aforementioned cheese puff incident would only garner a pinkish/purplish hue to the brake lights. In fact, it might not even register on the third brake light in the middle of the back windshield that’s always directly in your face. But slam that brake pedal down and you set off a light show that would make Disney proud. Lights, fireworks, perhaps one of those old submarine klaxon horns warning of an impending dive, everything.   Can you imagine how peaceful it would be to see the brake lights in the vehicle ahead of you just slowly getting brighter as the person pressed harder and harder on the brake to warn you of potential danger?

A visual example for those of you who don’t actually read words:

















Traffic calming. That’s what I’m all about. Which leads me to:

“Thank You” and “I’m Sorry” Car Lights
Imagine once again you are doing your normal tailgating that you do. The slow car ahead, now in full control of the random cheese puffs rolling around their car, could simply hit the “I’m Sorry” light on the dashboard, generating a pleasant display in the back window for the tailgater to see. This can be used in so many situations and work perfectly in conjunction with the Incremental Tail Light system. Of course we would have to install a front-facing “I’m Sorry” light as well to ensure the ability to signal the car ahead of you when you accidentally brush the horn, generating the old submarine klaxon horn directly at them.


In the same vein, the “Thank You” sign could be flashed behind you when that ridiculously slow driver actually pulls over and lets you by.


Again….it’s all about traffic calming.

Windshield Wiper Shooters
wipersSo now you’re on the other side of the equation. You’re being tailgated and have eaten all of your cheese puffs successfully. The person behind you has annoyed you to the point of ridiculousness. What do you do? I’ve found that in my truck if I hit my windshield wiper cleaner button it will shoot a stream of fluid that missed my window entirely and hits the car behind me. It’s great fun. My window never gets a drop on it, and I’ve totally blinded them. My worry is that in the next car inspection that they’ll find that the ‘shooters’ are misaligned and put them back correctly, but for now it’s all good fun. Imagine taking that concept and being able to AIM your fluid (windshield wiper fluid, of COURSE) back with the direction and velocity that you want. Instant cure for tailgaters.

Those are a mere three of my inventions – all having to do with the automotive industry. As I said, not only am I all-in for the traffic calming, but I also like to think I’m cleaning the country’s windshields, one tailgater at a time.

  1. Carrie Rubin says:

    I love the “I’m Sorry” and “Thank you” idea. I’m all for additional options, too, like “Get off your stupid phone; you’re driving for Pete’s sake!”


  2. David says:

    Uhhhhh, do you remember the paddle signs used eons ago? All sorts of “jocularity” ensued. I like to think of that experiment as the beginning of road rage, but I’m sure that happened even earlier.


  3. Thanks for providing some smiles/laughs today. Of course, now when I am driving my mind will be creating a number of messages that I would love to be able to display on my windows. So much more classy than a simple flip off, don’t you think?


    • The opportunities are really endless aren’t they? Maybe we just need a keypad we can use to type the message. Can you imagine being in an accident because you were typing thank you to the guy behind you?


  4. writerinsoul says:

    Excellent! The only problem I see with the signage is that it would no doubt lead to cretins flashing signs like “My bad” or “I’m Sorry…you made me hit you” after they have forced your car off the road or headlong into oncoming traffic.


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