This isn’t going to be a particularly funny edition of my blog. Of course anyone who actually reads my blog would have already realized that. I actually save all of my best material for my paying customers – that would be basically my wife and kids who pay every single day by having to live with me.
This also isn’t going to be a blog bashing anything. Wegmans – stand down. Costco – relax. Best Buy – I’ll put you off a few weeks.
No – this blog is meant only as a public service to you, the readers. Over the last 6 months there has been a perplexing, yet somewhat confounding trend on Facebook to take small quizzes to explain to the populace of Facebook who you are, what you are, what you should eat, who you should eat, where you should live, who you should hang out with, and yes, who you should kill. I could take all of these quizzes if I had a mind to, but I don’t really have a mind. To.
So instead, to conserve valuable Facebook real estate I’ll compile all of my answer to quizzes that I’ve recently seen pop up on Facebook for me to take. For those of you who regularly fill these out and post the results on Facebook, go right ahead – I have an extreme need to know what Tom Clancy character that Allison Belittler is most like, or what green vegetable that Tommy Poststoomuch is told he is most comparable to.
On with the quiz results (and yes, these are actual quizzes that I’ve seen in the last 6 months):
Is Your Soul Punk, Hippie or Goth?
I’d have to go with Goth. My favorite color is black. My favorite season in Winter. My favorite time of the day is Midnight. I just need to work on the tattoos and piercings.
What Style of Slang are you?
No idea. I had a slingshot when I was growing up that I accidentally used to put a hole in Ms. Warburton’s window in Indiana, so since it was in the past I guess it was a slangshot. So I’ll use ‘Indiana’ as my answer.
How Long Will you Live?
According to my cholesterol levels, blood pressure and the pitcher of sweet tea that I made today, about 12 more years.
What Candy is your Soulmate?
People have candied soulmates? Let’s go with Boston Baked Beans. The candy, not the baked beans from Boston.
What career should you actually have?
Certainly not one in writing. Duh.
What Karina Halle character is your soulmate?
What’s with all the soulmate questions? Can you have soulmates in different categories? And what the heck is a Karina Halle character? I can’t even give you an answer on this one because I’m literally literarily unwarily unaware.
What City should you actually live in?
I’m going to just answer Bar Harbor, Maine. It’s rainy, snowy, cold, on the water, boom. Perfection.
What Dungeons and Dragons class are you?
Does anyone that actually answers this even HAVE class? So this is the one I took just so I could see what it said. The result – ‘The Cleric’. I don’t know what that gives me.
Who were you in a past life?
I thought I already answered that above – a chili dog.
What kind of sandwich are you?
Ham-friggin-burger. I don’t need ANY quiz to tell me that.
Which state do you actually belong in?
Insanity? Confusion? The choices are endless.
Which rapper are you?
I’m going to go here with the obvious – aluminum. I prefer an aluminum rapper to any type of plastic. Except when I accidentally put it in the microwave. I would have preferred plastic that time.
What super power should you actually have?
Being sarcastic? I would love to have that power.
What should you actually eat for lunch?
Chili dogs keep coming up for me in these quizzes. Probably literally.
What font are you?
I am SO much of a Segoe Print kind of guy. What with its devil-may-care loops and casual attempt at seriousness it’s me on a chili dog bun.
Which famous turtle are you?
Is it more sad that there are famous turtles in the world, or that I can name probably ten of them at a drop of my chili dog-soaked hat? Would it be better for me if I was Franklin or Michelangelo? Leonardo or Crush? I’ll go with Crush just because I can.
What kind of bathroom guest are you?
Gracious and yielding. Gentle, yet firm. Considerate, yet will get done what I need to get done.
What award should you win?
Most Useless Blog Award
Which contemporary artist are you?
I would have to take this quiz to even know the name of one contemporary artist – and since I’m obviously not going to do something as silly as THAT….it will remain forever a mystery.
How lazy are you?
Pretty damn lazy. Concrete-over-the-entire-damn-yard-kind-of-lazy.
Now, the perfect quiz to end all Facebook quizzes. I swear to you one of my friends answered this quiz with all seriousness.
Which pair of jorts are you?
I took this quiz for realzies, and my answer? This will define the rest of my day and show me the path to future enlightenment. The answer, my friends is:
“Clearly you aren’t some pair of cargo shorts…”
I don’t even know what that means. But I’m 100% sure that it’s really important to know.