Where Jokes Go To Die

Posted: June 16, 2014 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , ,

As I’ve said many times before, and I think most of you will agree – I’m much funnier in my own mind than I am outside of my own mind. This can be demonstrated on a daily basis by the absolutely hilarious thoughts that go on inside my head while my mouth tends to blurble out unintelligible blurblings of an indistinct nature.

This phenomenon of self-humoring – which I’ll dub HIDE (Humor Internally Dies Effect) – has been noted by me on a daily occurrence for nearly every one of my days lmindiving on this planet. Even if I do manage to spit out the internal humor that I’m sheltering inside of my cranium in an understandable manner, it invariable falls upon looks of scorn and contempt by friends, co-workers and even family. I know the jokes are funny. So it must be something on the recipient’s end. I can’t even begin to count the number of disgusted looks that have been heaped upon me by my very own children when these pearls of humor are delivered to the outside world.

A prime example occurs regularly on days that it drizzles. I made up a joke about 20 years ago and every time a foggy, drizzly day occurs I use it both inwardly and (much less frequently now) outwardly. I’ve probably graced the world with this one-liner 5 times in the past 20 years and every single time there has been absolutely zero reaction. The first time I ran the one-liner out of the HIDE archives garage, down the humor driveway, and turned on to the busy road that IS the public I actually repeated it twice, since obviously the person I was with didn’t hear me the first time. Two times = two complete blank stares.

The thing is – there is NO way that this one-liner isn’t funny. My internal humor clock is ticking strongly and proudly, and I KNOW funny.

So here’s the set-up. You walk out the door with someone, anyone and are met in the face by that fine, drizzling rain that I love so much. It immediately causes you to hunch your shoulders up against the cold, wet sky while you start scurrying to your intended shelter. You can’t SEE the drizzle because it’s so fine. You’re all hunched over as the light mist touches your face with a glancing brush of its long-reaching tendrils.   Just at the perfect time, between scuffling footsteps and passing traffic, you utter the words:

“I feel like a fern….”fern

Right? RIGHT? Hilarity should ensue!

When I was growing up my mom used to have this fern that we had to ‘mist’ every day. We had to take a spray bottle and drench every single one of the tiny leaves to fool the stupid plant into thinking that it was still in a tropical rain forest. So the very nature of the mist that we experience regularly makes me think of this event in my upbringing. It’s comedy gold I tell you….and if you didn’t laugh at it then I’m sure it’s NOT that it isn’t funny – more likely it’s that you just don’t feel like being a plant.

And I bet every single one of you will use this line the next time you walk out in the mist. The HIDE effect does that to you. It’s an internal mechanism that ensures good, proper humor is kept in a warm safe place for the next time you use it.

But…. And a big but… don’t be surprised if the people that you blurble this out in front of don’t find it funny. They obviously just aren’t as in tune with their humor as we cultured folks are.

  1. jaspreetd says:

    Not many let the jokes live


  2. This is the story of my life, I often find things hysterical and people think I’m weird. I GET YOU!


  3. Blind Noise says:

    Fernicious efernal optiMIST.


  4. Carrie Rubin says:

    It made me laugh. But I won’t tell you whether it was a courtesy laugh or not… 😉

    Sometimes I laugh out loud when I write my own blog posts or tweets, and then I’m embarrassed. Embarrassment turns to worry when I start to wonder if others, too, will find it funny. But for lack of anything better, I go with it. Laziness always prevails.


  5. Linda Estes says:

    Groan. . . a fern? Did make me smile a little.



  6. I definitely think this was comedy gold, especially the part about tricking the fern into believing it still lived in a tropical rain forest 🙂


  7. […] And not just my own idea of comedy gold – this is guaranteed global comedy gold. You may remember my funniest joke that no one ever laughs at, but this one trumps it because it will look like it came off the top of my head. I’ll be an […]


  8. I think the problem is that most people don’t have time for house plants any more. Maybe you should say, “I feel like a cabbage in the section of the supermarket where you buy vegetables that aren’t wrapped in plastic.” Now that would work, for sure! Everyone buys vegetables. You could even feel like an organically grown cabbage, and get extra PC points.


    • Good lord, if I EVER utter the words, “I feel like an organically grown cabbage…” in public you should just take my farm-to-table, organically grown, hypotherosisly neutered self and get me a new career. But you could be right about the familiarity thing – I seem to be much more self-aware and world-aware than most 🙂


      • Now I’m surprised … I honestly didn’t think, after reading your last two posts, that you’d feel weird about saying anything!


        • You probably need to search in my archives for the post about how I can’t stand the whole ‘organic’ thing. Just another one of those overused buzzwords. I don’t mind the IDEA of organically grown stuff (sort of) it’s that everyone uses it so over the top.


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