The Big Zippo.

Posted: August 4, 2014 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , ,

So what the heck is that title all about? If we’re playing Jeopardy!, the question would be:

What’s better than a summer vacation in Maine?Maine

We stayed just north of Bar Harbor at a beautiful home on the ocean – and it lived up to every hope that I had. Sure, there were the millions of gnats that descended on us in the evening, there was the random mouse terrifying my daughter every once in a while, and I developed a raging snot-loving cold due to sleeping with the windows open, but even with those drawbacks it STILL trounced most other vacations I’ve had.

But I won’t bore you with a travelogue of my time in Maine. Rather, I jotted down notes and quotes during the trip that particularly stood out to me for a reason only my brain shall understand. We’ll start with:

Really? So you want me to pay $100 to go 25 miles out into the cold, rocking, windy North Atlantic on a tiny boat and float around and hope that a big fish (OK, call it a mammal if you want, but in my mind if it swims it’s a fish) rolls over nearby? And if it doesn’t decide to show, you know what the reward is? I HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN FOR FREE THE NEXT DAY! That’s a selling point??? Here’s the only whale I need to see in my life:


Get it? This is a whale-hanging! HA! Like a wall hanging but different. With this hanging in the Smithsonian, whale watching = done. Off my bucket list.

OK, so why didn’t anyone tell me that every single person in the world left New York City at 3:00pm on Friday afternoons? Shouldn’t there be a sign somewhere that mentions that? Also, I would like to state for the record that I believe the whole reason for the state of Connecticut is to lie in wait for New York City traffic and then just throw a big fat stop sign in front of it. The entire state is one horrendous traffic jam.

Has anyone ever noticed that all medicines look exactly alike? At one point during the vacation in my handy little hand I was holding Ibuprofen, Acetaminophen, Excedrin, Vanquish and two other medicines and every single one of them were the same generic white oblong pill. Sure, they had pillsrandom letters on them that were VERY descriptive like ‘LX24’ or ‘3CSSV’ but that really doesn’t help me much. How about color coding? Or shape coding? Am I crazy to expect that?

Another medicinal issue is a constant argument I have with my wife. The conversation goes somewhat like this:

ME:        “I have a headache”
WIFE:    “Go take a Tylenol. Not a Motrin….but a Tylenol”
ME:        Walks slowly to medicine cabinet, looks for Tylenol. Nothing there. Looks for a Motrin so can reduce the possibilities by one – nothing there.
ME:        “What’s Tylenol?”
WIFE:    “The white, oblong one that has acetaminophen, but not ibuprofen”
ME:        Blank stare. Thinks…then blankly stares again. And some more for good measure.
WIFE:    “Never mind, I’ll get it….”

That’s a typical conversation I have. Is everyone supposed to know what ‘Tylenol’ contains? Am I the only one that does not? Call it what it’s labeled on the bottle – don’t give me a generic term. Trust me – I’m nowhere NEAR that smart.

My son is learning to drive. While up in Maine I played golf with him and he drove the golf cart. Now a golf cart is not the most complicated piece of machinery in the world yet my budding-Richard Petty took it upon himself to get it stuck UP on the tree roots of a big oak tree while heading directly FOR the tree. His reasoning?

“They grew the tree in the wrong place.”


Two other quotes from the week deserve a special call-out for their sheer audacity of randomness. I’m not even going to give you the background – rather, I’m going to let you, the reader, determine how this quote came to be uttered:

QUOTE #1:          “I can’t believe I put on pants for this…”

QUOTE #2:          “Stop shaking the damn bed, I’m trying to land the space shuttle…”

I love Maine.

  1. Carrie Rubin says:

    I love visiting Maine. My step-dad has a small condo at Old Orchard Beach. In fact, I’ll be heading there in a couple weeks for a wedding. And I’m with you on the New York traffic. I recently drove from Philadelphia to New Hampshire. I skirted New York City, and I still ran into heavy traffic. Yuck.


  2. writerinsoul says:

    Can’t help you with the medicine; once they leave the bottle that is their namesake, they’re on their own. My only philosophy is once you start with one kind, no switching up in the same 24-hr period. Don’t know if this is *sound* advice, it just seems right.

    On the happy side, perhaps your son got the driving-into-tree thing out of his system on the practice vehicle.

    (Glad you all had such a good trip!)


  3. Blind Noise says:

    Oh, no, no, no, no, you do *not* want me to get creative with those quotes. You do not! Do trust me. Do.


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