Namast-Naaaaaay

Posted: August 8, 2014 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Good lord. Just when you think you’ve heard of every thigh-cruncher, ab-smasher and finger-stretching exercise routine there is, another one comes out that just completely shakes the very moral fiber of your universe. That exercise routine has come….and yes, I have scoffed.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

YOGA ON A HORSE

I swear to you that’s now a thing. Not only do you get all of the stretching, contorting and bending “benefits” of yoga, but you get to do it on top of one of God’s most mighty (i.e. scary as crap) creatures.

I’m not going to lie to you – I may be biased. I’ve had experiences with both the yoga part and the horse part and was not fond of either of them one little bit.

In my yoga experience, I was given a 1MM thick piece of rubber stuff and told this was my ‘yoga mat’ and that I should lie on it. I was then instructed to do a bunch of things SLOWLY and METHODICALLY that were physically impossible for any human being to do. There was much “yoga-talk” of downward and upward and dog and cat and moon and stuff….but at least they never mentioned a horse. I hobbled out of there feeling like a downward dog had impaled my cat-cow stretch while silently laughing at my flying crow.

My horse riding experience consisted of them putting a ridiculous helmet on me and helping me sit up on a saddle of a “horse”. It just stood there. So I just sat there – trying to figure out why people enjoyed sitting 15 feet in the air with little or no control. Then the horse in front of me moved, and mine followed it. It continued to follow the horse in front of me with a complete lack of paying attention to whichever way I pulled, tugged, clicked, whoa’d, or giddy-up’d. We continued in this manner until he/she/it stopped in the middle of the path. Wouldn’t move a horse muscle. I finally called out to the horse-whisperer leading us and he said he/she/it (the horse) was going to the bathroom. Shouldn’t they have told me of this possibility? I know that I wouldn’t move off the toilet either if someone was kicking me in the stomach or clicking their tongue at me.  I know….that’s actually happened.  Another blog….

So you take these two lousy experiences I’ve had AND PUT THEM TOGETHER. Here’s some pictures I’ve found of the whole ‘beautiful interaction’ between yoga’er and horse:

yoga picture 3

yoga picture 2And here’s what I’d look like doing this:

yoga pose 1

Interestingly enough, while doing more actual genuine research into this I also found that there is now a movement for HORSE YOGA itself – meaning the horse actually doing yoga. Here are some actual pictures that show people doing the strangest things to horses that I’ve ever seen:

horse yoga 1

horse yoga 2

Wow. People are so stupid strange.

The way my mind works it automatically puts a word here or there that makes MORE sense to me than what I actually heard.  So, when I first heard about ‘Yoga on a Horse’ the first five things that I thought I MUST have heard:

“Yogurt on a Horse” – That makes sense…when the beast was just standing there going to the bathroom I could have enjoyed a lovely blueberry yogurt with a smattering of granola adding a crunchy ecstasy to my experience.

“Yoga in a Hearse” – OK, that would be odd, but there would be no place BETTER where you need to meditate and relax than in a hearse.

“Yoga While You’re Hoarse” – Again, that makes more sense. You shouldn’t shout a lot while yoga’ing apparently (since I got yelled at by my instructor), so I’m all for that.

“Yogi on a Horse” – Watching TV while sitting on a horse – a nice little cartoon even. Brilliant.

“Toga but of Course” – When I was in High School those crazy people were always having Toga parties. I never went to one, thank the lord, but I was told that they were ‘fun’ and ‘wild’. I didn’t believe them a bit.

All five of these make more sense than doing yoga on a horse. Obviously, I won’t be partaking of this activity any time soon. If you do, please let me know how it goes. I’d love to hear zany tales of your horse stopping for no reason in the middle of your Half Lord of the Fishes pose.

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Comments
  1. Carrie Rubin says:

    Oh jeez, I’m reading your post in front of my teen sons, and I’m laughing so hard they think I’m crazy. The pictures of the horse doing yoga are hysterical, and your added variations of the activity at the end had me near tears. Thanks for a perfect Friday laugh!

    Like

  2. writerinsoul says:

    Just when you think pretentiousness has no further to go… Poor horse. Maybe I have a bad attitude, but looking at the pictures I’m rooting for the horse to buck them off or give them a good kick.

    Like

  3. Oh, gosh, I just had this horrible premonition. Given where I live in central CO, in which we are known for our pot, yoga, outdoor activity, love of pets (pets are welcome EVERYWHERE- hair salon, airport baggage terminal, movie theater- yes, someone brought their (non-service) Fido) that we will be leading the way of this new movement. I just know it.

    Like

  4. Linda says:

    If you and your family actually do this, please post pictures.

    Like

  5. Simply amazing.

    LOL
    (I’m sure the horse will be the healthier for it.)

    Like

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