People have often asked me how I manage to always develop such a fine looking headache. Not the minor icky pain in the temporal lobe kind of headache, but the completely knock-you-off-your-feet-and-want-to-die kind of headache. I am happy to report that here, for the first time ever in print, I will give you the recipe for having a world-class headache. Note that these three things must be done in succession – you can’t just skate by with one of them and hope to generate the proper aching.
Stand in the kitchen next to a cabinet door while rough-housing willy-nilly with your 16-year old son who is now bigger than you. Have him “accidentally” throw a shoulder into you that catches you off balance and sends your head directly into the nearby cabinet door. You’ll know that this step is successfully completed when you actually can taste your teeth swimming in your mouth.
After going to bed the same night as STEP 1, be sure to grind your teeth the entire night to the point of them protruding from your jaws like nubs. When you wake up the next morning your entire face should be sore and there should be tooth particles laying on your pillow like pixie dust. Additionally, there should now be a dull pounding in your head. This is basically the “ON” button for your full-blown headache that now only needs a slight push to reach the ultimate level.
This is the important one. We are assuming that STEPs 1 & 2 have been successfully completed – otherwise STEP 3 will NOT give you the desired effect. To ensure that your head achieves the approximate level of pain desired, please go to the nearest sliding glass door. Look outside at the beautiful world. Then hear a loud noise outside way over to your right. As quickly as humanly possible, try to snap your head and look around the corner to the right, simultaneously moving your head forward at the same time like that will help you see further to the right. If this is done correctly your forehead should strike the sliding glass door with a resounding thud that scares the stupid dog watching you to cower under the bed.
This completes the pre-headache steps. If you follow these exactly as written I promise that you, too, can experience the pain that keeps the Excedrin company in business.
I need to go have a lay down. I have successfully completely STEPs 1, 2 and 3.