See….there’s this thing I do. I find things that annoy me and I write about them. Believe it or not, that provides me with blog fodder for months at a stretch. Some things that annoy me I could go on and on about – while others are just worth a short little mention. Because of that, I’ve come up with a way to combine all my short little annoyances into one whole post. This is the third of the series, with the first two (here…and here) being universally lauded for their conciseness, cohesiveness and conclavity. So, without further ado, comes the third installment of minor things that annoy me.
9. Half-Sleeve Winter Coats
Let’s think of what you would need to brave the world on a sub-zero day. Hat? Check. Toboggan? Check. Boots or Galoshes? Check. Winter Coat? Check. Sleeves? Wait….. There are actual garments out there that are made to resemble winter coats. But they are really trying to trick you – for you see there is a dirty little secret in the Winter Coat Garment World that they are trying to sneak over on us. Some of these otherwise fine winter coats…wait for it….DON’T HAVE SLEEVES. I swear that’s the truth. And what’s even more astonishing is that people actually WEAR them. And don’t ever complain about them. These same people throw out phrases, when asked why an odd garment like this should be worn, respond with:
“You only need to warm the core…”
“It gives me better range of movement…”
When in actuality they are THINKING:
“I forgot to check that it had sleeves when I bought it…”
So don’t come at me with your sleeveless wonders. I was at an outdoor concert the other night and not only did this guy have a ‘vest-like’ winter coat on – he was also wearing a short sleeve shirt underneath. Moral is – just buy sleeves and don’t be a nuggler.
10. Naming Winter Storms
Since we’re on the winter theme here, how about the Weather Channel now naming winter storms? Trying to throw some human element on a completely inhuman event makes absolutely no sense. My guess is that they are simply being more dramatic since obviously a named storm is more terrifying:
“Beware of Winter Storm HERCULES!!!!!!”
“Beware of that cold front coming on a line northwest of South Hill running up the northern plateau of the Appalachians that could potentially drizzle a few snowflakes here and there, causing the entire area to be panicked by the possibility of one tire slipping two inches on a mostly dry road.”
From the Weather Channel website:
“Our goal is to better communicate the threat and the timing of the significant impacts that accompany these events. The fact is a storm with a name is easier to follow, which will mean fewer surprises and more preparation.”
Fewer surprises? Please. Winter ownership. That’s all they’re after. Because God forbid you use the winter storm name that the Weather Channel bureaucracy has deemed appropriate outside of the Weather Channel.
The Weather Channel wants to own the weather. Boom.
11. The Great Shoe Lace Conspiracy
I have bought approximately 6 pair of shoes in the last few years that had ties. All good, right? But did you ever really take a close look at a pair of newly purchased tie-enabled shoes? I can guarantee you that you have never noticed this – but now is the time for all of us to rise up and make a stand.
For you see, ladies and gentlemen – there is someone at the great shoe-maker in the sky that is playing us for fools. Every single pair of shoes that I’ve bought recently has the same issue.
The shoes are laced differently on the left and right shoe.
While I wait for you to get back up into a sitting position….let me explain. On the right shoe, the first lace is ALWAYS holed underneath the hole, so it appears as if coming out of a cave on the outside of the hole. All well and good until you look at the left shoe – and see that some enterprising person has laced them the OPPOSITE way – so that the lace actually wraps around the top of the lace hole and plummets into the abyss that is the tongue from an acute angle. To pictorially demonstrate:
On an “Inside the writer’s studio” moment – you wouldn’t believe how long it took me to draw this picture. Figuring out the difference between the laces while drawing it was a true challenge and one that I hope meets with your unmitigated approval. Now back to my whining.
It’s definitely some sort of conspiracy or some type of secret message intended to burn down the curtain at the center of the fabric of the American way of life. You can scoff all you want, but when the Russians or Chinese come marching into Downtown, USA wearing their crocs and galoshes, while we fumble around trying to tie our shoes properly – who’ll have the last laugh THEN!?!?
I have more – but I’m still reeling from the great shoe debacle, so they’ll have to wait. I’m also still trying to figure out how I managed to work the word ‘galoshes’ into this blog not once, but TWICE. Amazing.