I am taking a break today from my normal blatherings to campaign for a change that needs to be made immediately. This is a change that is short on verbiage, but long on comfort. A change that will affect few, but impact many. A simple law to understand but very difficult law to enforce. However, it’s needed immediately to address an issue that is crawling through the primordial ooze of our great American bathrooms.
I am proposing an amendment to the Virginia Declaration of Commonwealth Independence (VDCI) Page 83, Paragraph H, Sub-paragraph 2.1, Section A Stroke 3, Line Item 831.6. I’m sure you’re familiar with Section A Stroke 2 of the same provision, so I won’t go into details on that, but suffice it to say that in Virginia the toilet paper roll in a public bathroom must always be quickly and adequately replaced with another toilet paper roll – or the whole stall must light up with pink neon to warn you BEFORE you go in, take care of your daily activities, and get the nasty surprise of the extreme lack of necessary cleansing material.
My proposed amendment is simple.
There will be no cross-apparatus speaking (hereinafter referred to as ‘banter’) in a public bathroom.
There are two apparati in question – toilets and urinals. If there happens to be a bidet in the public bathroom that you frequent, please report this immediately to your local authorities as this bathroom needs to be investigated, fumigated, conjugated and adjudicated immediately.
Toilet-to-Toilet Banter – This type of communication is strangely odd, and lends itself to the passing of things under the wall (yes, I’ve seen this abominable behavior) and other animalistic-type behaviors. Please sit, take care of your business, utilize Section A Stroke 2 (mentioned above) and calmly leave the stall area.
Urinal-to-Urinal Banter – Communication of this sort is only banned for the male gender. While I have seen females also partake of this particular type of banter, it was WAY more interesting and brought about many, many other creative pathways for future blogs. The male urinal-to-urinal conversations are conducted in a consistent “eyes-to-the-sky” format and consist of banter that has nothing to do with the task at hand, if you will. I have never heard someone say “Hey Bill, your urine looks a little yellow this morning – maybe you should get that checked out…” Since there are no helpful comments, the urinal experience should be simple. Take care of your business, zip up, button up, tuck in, tuck out and calmly leave the stall area.
Toilet-to-Urinal Banter – I recently overheard this cross-apparatus banter going on…TG (Toilet Guy), UG (Urinal Guy)
TG: “Hey, are you going to the meeting this afternoon?”
UG: “Yeah, I think so….you?”
TG: “Yep, I’ll be out of here in a few minutes…”
This seemingly innocuous conversation gave far too many personal details. For one, they both had a meeting that afternoon. For two, we now know that TG is very indecisive and not willing to commit. However, much more disturbingly we know that TG is now timing his bathroom break down to the minute and he WILL commit to that! So he’ll commit to the bathroom and not to a meeting???
I would appreciate all of you fine Virginians forwarding a copy of this amendment to your local representatives. With your dedicated followship and my dedicated leadership, we can make this happen….to let all the Bill’s and Bob’s and Roy’s and Rob’s know that this is not an acceptable practice. Campaign for (VDCI) Page 83, Paragraph H, Sub-paragraph 2.1, Section A Stroke 3, Line Item 831.6 today!
We can start our very own bowel-related movement. A BRM.