Before we go any further down this weekly primrose-laced path of golden bricks leading in a slightly askew manner to the inner core of my electron-enabled vault of a mind, I’d like to state one thing for the record.
I’m really not stupid.
I know that some of you will immediately debate that fact. Because while not stupid in a “stupid” kind of way, I HAVE been known to be stupidly absent-minded in a more cerebral “stupid” way. But that’s not happening this time because I know that “Dave” is my light at the end of the tunnel. Yesterday, I received the following email:
Immediately I was impressed with the thoughtfulness in which “Dave” approached me. Sure there’s a word or two left out of his sentences and sure, there’s a gratuitous lack of capitalization and periodization going on in the email – but that doesn’t dissuade me from seeing the absolute genuineness and thoughtfulness that went into this obviously well-considered email. “Dave” wants me! “Dave” needs me! “Dave” may even LIKE me!
I realize that some of you would see this as a scam email. Not I. “Dave” is obviously a hardworking, enterprising young man who knows an opportunity when he sees it. “Dave” is no Jessica or Shania:
How are you? I was at a loose end, saw your profile so I thought I would say hello. My new one is up at ……
If u like we could meet up.
LMK love Jessica.
Poor Jessica is at a loose end. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds REALLY painful and I think she should get it checked. Also, I don’t know WHY exactly her loose end reminded her of me, but so be it. Another one:
how is everything with you? why don’t you come look me up. Best place to find me is …..
Maybe we could hookup…get a drink…maybe more.
Lots of love, Shania.
Now if this is Shania Twain emailing me, then we OBVIOUSLY need to have a moment and chat. Otherwise, I’m thinking this is just a Twain-a-be preying on the male country music fans of the 90’s. And yes, this may just be a cheap way for me to search for images of Shania Twain without looking like a creep.
I’ve had the typical Nigerian government spam, I’ve even had the APOLOGY for the Nigerian government spam of the spam:
We advise that you do the needful to make sure the NFIU dispatches your recompense today as soon as you receive this mail. You are assured of the safety of your ATM CARD containing the sum of US$3 MILLION and availability and be advised that you should stop further contacts with all the fake lawyers and security companies who in collaboration scammed you.
So obviously I know what spam email looks like. The examples above are crass and vulgar attempts to prey on my vulnerabilities. But “Dave” wouldn’t do that. Everything about HIS email screams “legitimate”. He obviously has something in mind with such a specific amount, so what is plan for me? What is he donating the money to me for? Why do I get $360,000 purely from the kindness of “Dave’s” heart? My guesses:
- He is paying me never to write another blog about sweet tea or McDonald’s.
- He is buying my loyalty for his campaign to be ruler of the new Nigerian junta.
- He is just a really nice guy who wants to be my friend.
My feeling in my heart of hearts is #3. “Dave” wants to be connected to me and wants to be part of my life. I’m opening my arms to him and welcoming him into the family like the long-lost hound dog that we lost. Long ago. So what did I do? I responded to him (from a new email account, don’t worry) – and yesterday received a reply:
Dear Beneficiary ,
Am happy to inform you that i won a lottery Jack Pot of 101million British Pounds and decided to bless my friends and family and also touch someone else life. This is the reason i contacted you, and you should consider yourself very lucky because after giving help to our close friends and family, I and my fiancee sat down and thought of a need to bless at least 4-5 lucky persons outside our country.
I have done this not only because the funds was much but to fulfill the vow we made to also change someone’s life just the way our lives have been changed and am happy to donate the sum of $360,000 to you and not only that, we want you to also touch someone’s life too with this donation when received.
A cheque shall be issued to you,so I need you to provide accurately a Name and Address whom you want the cheque to be addressed. That is, we need a name to write your cheque and be fast about it as we would be embarking on a trip shortly.
Send your full names ,address and phone number
Have a great day.
Welcome to the family, “Dave”. I don’t know what a ‘Jack Pot’ is and I’m slightly concerned about your grammar, but there is no doubt in my mind that you’re genuine. My information is currently screaming across the ether towards you. I look forward to “Dave’s” response.