Project SKIDMARK – Traffic Woes Noe Moe

Posted: September 17, 2014 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Here in the Washington, D.C. area we have a little something the locals like to call, and I quote, “crappy traffic’. Unquote. If you could see my fingers, you could have SEEN I was unquoting, but that would be a video blog and I’m not ever doing that. If I WAS going to do a video blog, I think I’d get Bruce Willis to play me. Combination of swarthy manliness combined with gentle tenderness. I love that man.

Traffic. It sucks. That’s basically the point of this blog and in all honesty I could stop right there and you would understand me loud and clear. But what you would miss is the solution to all of the Washington, D.C. traffic problems. It will come as no surprise to you that I have developed the ultimate cure for the road wars going on every day in this good city. Some may call me a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I really do hope one day you’ll join me – and the world? It will….as they say…. live as one.

For those of you outside the DC Metro area, let me explain the problem. In addition to every third person in the area working for the Federal Government and all working the exact same 8:30am – 5:30pm jobs in the center of a big circle (the Beltway), you ALSO have a fleet of thousands of drone cars that are on automatic pilot and just go around and around the Beltway hour after hour. They do nothing but drive in a continuous circle and gum up traffic. Some think that this is a terrorist plot, some think it’s just a joke played on us by Congress in one of their whimsical moments, but regardless – it’s a real thing. If you go out at 3:30am on the Beltway you will STILL see all of these mindless cars just going around and around waiting to pounce on unsuspecting government workers.

So basically traffic is at a standstill on these roads from about 6:30a.m. to 8:30p.m. It’s a wonderful place to live and a wonderful way of life. Just sitting there. Waiting.

That’s why I developed the “Strategic Koordination In Driving – Make Automobiles Run Kwickly” idea (Project SKIDMARK). The concept is simple. I’ll add my famous illustrations to make the concept jump off the page at you.

Typical Washington, D.C. traffic day:

carsTim’s face when he sees the brake lights:

sad

Now the theory behind Project SKIDMARK is simple. Everyone that’s stopped in traffic. All at once. SLAM THE ACCELERATORS as shown:

Shoe

This will result in the following:

traffic_fast

And then this will result in the following:

happy

It is amazing how simple the concept is, right? If everyone slams the accelerator at the same time, it’s an instant fix and all cars are now moving at full speed. I could go on and on into the physics of the kinetic tension that would be released by the combined acceleration impact, but I won’t bore you with the science.  Trust me, it will work.  However, because I’m a realist and want to examine both the good AND the bad with this, here is my official Risk Assessment of SKIDMARK:

  • How do merging cars get in?
    ANSWER: Screw them. I’ve been on the road longer.
  • What if a car is smaller or doesn’t accelerate as fast as you?
    ANSWER: Screw them. My truck is bigger and faster.
  • What if someone doesn’t get the cue to accelerate?
    ANSWER:   See above.
  • What about possible damage to other cars?
    ANSWER:   Rubber bumpers for all.

See? So this isn’t some slap-dash, willy-nilly idea. Project SKIDMARK is a well thought-out plan devised by someone who is tired of sitting in traffic and has had an epiphany. You may scoff at this, as all you nay-sayers tend to do, but I guarantee you that the next time you’re sitting in traffic, you’re going to feel the urge to experiment with my idea.

It only takes a spark to get a fire going, and soon all those around you will warm up to its glowing.  ACCELERATE TODAY!

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Comments
  1. Carrie Rubin says:

    I’m pretty sure you have all the kinks worked out. I doubt Bruce Willis could do any better, though he’d probably get paid more to do it.

    Like

  2. hapidays88 says:

    No I see why I love Die Hard movies so much. Bruce Willis is EXACTLY like you.

    Like

  3. Just thinking about this gave me a headache…lol. On a serious note, there’s an interesting article here – http://trafficwaves.org/ – that discusses this very problem. Traffic in Seattle is HORRIBLE. I was intrigued by it and now drive this way any time I’m in congested traffic … Obviously, I have no idea whether I’m making any difference, but it makes me feel empowered not to be jerked around by the brake lights ahead of me. And let’s face it, not a lot of things feel empowering when you’re stuck in the rush hour hamster wheel.

    Like

    • As long as you feel you’re making a difference, then it’s all good. As I was swerving onto the apron of the interstate to avoid an abandoned car in the MIDDLE of the road today, I thought about the theory you put forth and am warming to it.

      Like

  4. David says:

    So the next time you’re first in line at a signal, you just go ahead and do this. Let us know how it goes when you meet the tail end of the next “jam”!

    Like

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