The Great Cereal Unboxing: Rocky Mountain Style

I have recently become aware of two facts of life that all peoples of the world should be cognizant of.

• There are literally things called ‘unboxing’ videos on the internet.
• There is a distinct lack of cereal reviews on the internet.

Put those two facts together and boom. A simply brilliant reason for a blog.

So what is an unboxing video? Let’s say you are going to buy a new iPhone 38.5. What some people do (ahem – daughter of mine) is go on YouTube and see if there is any random person that has, for some odd reason, posted a video of themselves getting the iPhone 38.5. Not only getting it, but this video will have them fondling the box, opening the box, taking the things out of the box, and then showing you what’s in the box. You may say, and I do say, what’s the stupid point of THAT? But enough people do it (ahem – daughter of mine) that it’s now a ‘thing’ and it’s what people do. And yes, they verbally describe the ‘box feel’, the ‘packaging feel’ and the ‘taking it out of the plastic feel’.

So recently I came across a cereal in the grocery store that I had to have. The packaging was enticing – no cartoon birds, pink elephants, or other animals wandering around on the box. Instead, this was a cereal obviously made BY adults FOR adults. Looking at the box, you can sense the grandeur of the cereal. The golden glitz of the letters bouncing off of the fluorescent lights of the grocery store beckoned you to the amazing nuggets that lay within. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my first cereal unboxing. I give you:

                     Kellogg’s Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory

With a beautiful, rolling-off-the-tongue name like that the cereal has to be extraordinarily special. The box just screams ‘Eat Me!’ PLUS, it was a “Limited Edition Cereal” so it has to be incredible. It was no doubt meant to be. I gleefully welcomed her (all good cereals, like ships, are referred to in the feminine) into my shopping cart with mouth-watering eagerness.

Flash forward a couple of days and suddenly I had a hankering for a taste of the Central Time Zone. I prepared to unbox the cereal. I didn’t video it because my hands were shaking with so much excitement to hold the camera steady – so you’ll have to just pretend. Or you could cut all the pictures out and make them a flipbook and rapidly go through them to get a taste of the unboxing. Your choice.

I slowly opened the box and removed the bag. Everything seemed to be in order. Sealed bag. Practically bursting at the seams with morsels of almonds, chocolate and flaky goodness. Good tight construction of the box allowing one to actually unstick the top tab instead of ripping it to shreds. Quality workmanship from the folks at Kelloggs right there. I slowly pulled apart the sides of the cereal bag, hoping to hear that happy sound of tearing rather than a pop – the sign of a properly sealed cereal bag.

SCHWWWWWWWUUUUUUUSSSSSSHHHHHHH….

Perfection.

I pulled out one of my favorite bowls and poured the first bit of cereal out into the dark blue nether regions of the beckoning plastic. The various morsels fell into the bowl with a satisfying crinkle, followed by all of its other brethren like so many soldiers marching down the glorious road to battle. I had a bowl of cereal that was just dying to be eaten. However, without even trying it, I knew it was crying out for that one thing that all cereal really needs to take it over the edge.

That’s right – it needed the tiny granules of sweet goodness that Mother Nature herself had provided for us. I dutifully sprinkled some white particles of paradise right smack on the top of that pile of waiting wonderfulness. NOW she was ready to meet my long awaiting taste buds. Skim milk pours over the cereal in a rush (I’m all about the healthy) and it’s time for spoon to meet the swoon.

I slowly work the spoon into the middle of the cereal and ensure that all items (chocolate chunks, flaky goodness, almonds, sugar, milk) are equally portioned in the bite before I open my mouth and succumb to the orchestral beauty of my new girlfriend.

The result?

It sucked.

Too much chocolate. Crappy mouthfeel – it felt like I was eating a sponge full of mush. No crunch of the almondy goodness. It all merged into one big paste in my mouth with an almost constant procession of chunks of chocolate trying to fight their way to the top of the taste pool. A complete and total waste of $4.00. She is going straight to the garbage the next time the trash goes out.

So there it is. The first unboxing of a cereal for you, the cereal consumer. Although this one didn’t hit the target, I’m sure there will be more in the future that provides the satisfactory sustenance that every good cereal should.

Disappointed? Sure. Me too. But the box sure looked nice as crap.