A Wooden Floor Cereal Unboxing

Posted: October 15, 2014 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome to the second edition of my Cereal Unboxing reviews. The first edition was roundly applauded/criticized/praised/slammed by all of you – so thank you for your comments  Today we take on one of THOSE cereals that you never would buy on your own because it’s in that part of the grocery store where they put down wooden floors and try to make you think that you’re buying something ‘special’. Whether it’s organic-free, grass-stuffed, gluten-full, low-fat, or just too-damned-expensive – you’ll find all of your favorite choices in the wooden section of your local mart.

Today I bring you “Barbaras Bakery – Puffins (Cinnamon)”


I have no idea who Barbara is but I’m assuming she’s some disgruntled ex-Kellogg’s worker who has moved to Iowa to grass-feed her two goldfish swimming around in her gluten-free fish bowl.   The first thing that hits you in an unboxing is of course, the box. This box is loudly declaring that it’s a ‘NEW LOOK, SAME GREAT TASTE!’…so I pulled up what the old one looked like.


You can completely agree with me that the spooned cereal image is MUCH more appealing that the falling from the sky cereal. That apparently gave someone a six-month contract to design the NEW LOOK. Congratulations on taking Barbara for all of her Kellogg’s pension, designer person.

Another thing on the front of the box that I’m supposed to care about is the callout that this is a NON GMO PRODUCT – VERIFIED. I was curious (which is always a problem) so looked up exactly what I was eating. Apparently, GMOs, or “genetically modified organisms,” are plants or animals created through the gene splicing techniques of biotechnology. This experimental technology merges DNA from different species, creating unstable combinations of plant, animal, bacterial and viral genes that cannot occur in nature or in traditional crossbreeding.

Wow. I’m so happy that my cinnamon puffs have not been genetically modified. THAT’s what you get on the wooden floor part of the grocery store.

While still reeling from the GMOs that I may have been eating previously, I started to open the box. But I was immediately stopped by the following message on the top:


Don’t tell me what to do. First, don’t tell me to look inside. Second, don’t tell me that it’s fun. I’ll be the judge of that. I’m Judge Fun. Curmudgeon – party of one.

The box is opened and the packaging is removed. My first impression? My dog eats more attractive food than this bag of morsels of cinnamon cereal4goodness. If the Non-GMO makes it look like kernels of crap then give me GMO’s any day of the week. You ever see a Honeycomb tidbit? Now there’s a brilliant piece of cereal morsel engineering.

I take it out of the bag and pop one in my mouth. Apparently getting to appear on the shelves of the wooden floor section means that you can’t have any sugar involved. So I dutifully pulled out the sugar container and dumped some flavor onto the cereal, poured the milk carefully to the proper level and prepared to enjoy a delicious breakfast.

I’m still waiting for that delicious breakfast. It wasn’t BAD, mind you. But the one quality Honeycomb has besides the great taste of sugar is the ability to soak in the milk and transform itself into three different stages of cereal. First, you have the raw, crunchy power of a new Honeycomb. Then the half-soaked semi-crunchy outside with tender inside comes calling into your cereal bowl. Finally, the completely sodden Honeycomb cereal5completely saturated with milk. This gives you the texture and firm mouth-feel of a good cereal – combining all three types into one spoonful of amazingness.

The Puffins? They absorbed nothing. It’s like they were little Non-GMO lifeboats floating on a sea of evil milk. Not only does that make them just keep tasting the same (i.e. kernels of crap) it leaves WAY too much milk at the end to successfully suck down in a satisfying slurp.

All in all, not too impressed. I’ll stick to the tile aisles of the grocery store and genetically modified organisms.  I’m sorry Barbara.  I’m sure you’re a really nice lady.

  1. Linda says:

    Will there be a part 2? The game – what was it? Was it fun? Answers! I want answers!


    • Ha! You know what? I was so disappointed in the cereal I didn’t even look at the so-called ‘fun’ game. I guess there will have to be a follow-up to this one. But don’t expert me to eat it again.


  2. I love Puffins cereal! As a counterpoint, I like that they do not absorb milk, because I hate when my cereal gets “mushy”. With cornflakes, you have about 10.3 seconds to finish the bowl before it is a soggy mess. I was laughing out loud at your “wooden floor” comment. I had never noticed that, but now that you have me thinking about it- it is so true. I think they even switch the lighting in the part of the store- going for a certain ambiance or something.


  3. Carrie Rubin says:

    I think you need to go back to the basics: oatmeal and whole-wheat toast. Added bonus: you’ll poop well, too…


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