With this post, I am hereby launching a Kickstarter project to fund my latest idea for the perfect app. Every time I come up with something that I think will make me a bajillionaire someone has already done it, or someone swoops in and steals the idea. For example, I developed an idea back in 1973 but mistakenly called it ‘PutPicturesOfRandomDogsOnHere’ – and Mr. Zuckerberg saw it, stole it and came up with a clever little name for it. But not this time – not a soul has ever implemented this idea or anything like it. I’m a trailblazer and you can get in on the ground floor with a small cash donation.
I present for your serious consideration (and I only want serious inquiries on this) – “SoulTrail.” I’ve already designed the app icon, which as all good developers know is the first thing you should do when developing an app. SoulTrail, according to my extremely catchy Kickstarter project definition, ‘provides person to person tracking 24×7/365 and gives you the ability to know the whereabouts of the world….’
The idea is this: If you are a member we will track FREE OF CHARGE your every step for the rest of your days. If you meet someone at your weekly Ultimate Frisbee party, and you want to see if you’ve ever crossed paths with them, you can log into your handy SoulTrail app, pull up their SoulTrail ID number, cross-reference their path to yours, and see if they were actually the crazy person that cut in line that you threatened to choke all those years ago. Think of all the possibilities. That long-lost soulmate? Not only can you see where he or she is NOW in a non-creepy way, but you can see where he or she was 15 years ago (again, in a non-creepy way). You can SEE that he or she was at the same frat party as you and who he or she was hanging out with. Now, in an incredibly non-creepy way, you can know EVERYTHING about the person coming into a blind date. NON-CREEPILY!
Here’s a screen shot of the initial app screen. You’ll note that this attractive display shows that Person A and Person B, on March 28, 1987, actually passed through the same intersection at the same time.
What a great conversation starter at parties, eh?
Person A: “Hey – what’s your SoulTrail ID?”
Person B: “64.A Stroke 2.555”
Person C: “I’ll just plug you in here and….hey! Was that YOU in the 1986 Chevy Nova that blew by me that day on I-66? I had always wanted to meet you and thank you for the courteous wave you gave me…”
Boom. Life-long friends, not even knowing they were life-long friends, are born.
This app, if successful (and how can it NOT be) spawns so many other great app ideas that Mr. Zuckerberg will rue the day that he stole my dog idea and didn’t wait for this one. Here are just a few possibilities for spin-off apps that will appeal to not just a few, but to ALL:
SlumberTrail – Ever wonder who slept in that hotel bed you’re scared to get into? Now with our special cross-reference SlumberTrail app, find out everyone who has ever slept in that bed. Track them to see where they live, where they eat, and what they do with their time. No longer do you have to crawl in bed immediately after a drug dealer or former member of the Socialist Party! Or worse – a Socialistic drug dealer.
AutoTrail – Someone cut you off yesterday? With this handy app, you can track back to that particular point in time at that particular place in the road and figure out the imbecile who did the deed. Or find out the identity of the lady driving 35 miles an hour in the left lane of the Beltway. Or check out the fine-looking lady in the car next to you and see where she lives. All in a completely sterile, non-creepy way.
And now, my biggest money maker – this will be the app that ends all other apps:
ToiletTrail – How many times have you been about to sit down on a random toilet seat, and think to yourself “Who sat here last?” With this app, not only can you tell who has been sitting on a random toilet seat – but you can also add (for a nominal fee) the LENGTH of time that each person sat there. How invaluable would THAT information be?
So please donate to my Kickstarter project immediately so my team of developers can get to work on these. Thank you in advance for your dedication, your contribution and your vision.
Oh…I guess I should mention the disclaimer. While these apps WILL be free, there will be a small charge when you sign up for SoulTrail so that someone that is ALMOST a doctor can insert a tiny 2MM blue tracking device in the back of your neck – handily placed so that your hairline will completely disguise the bump. This is a one-time fee and I hope that you’ll agree that it is MORE than worth it to determine who just fell asleep on the toilet next to you.