How Not to Slip and Die

Posted: December 9, 2014 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Let’s take a quick survey to prove once and for all that my blog is scientifically based. The question of the day is:

How many of you like being told what to do?

Phone lines are open for the next 15 minutes, so come back here after calling and we’ll tabulate the results. While we wait, here’s a picture of puppies and kittens – for those of you that haven’t had your Facebook hit today.

picture 1

OK, we’re back and the survey results are in. Without further ado:

I don’t like being told what to do                                                              99.9%
I like being told what to do                                                                      00.1%

surveyThe margin of error on this survey is +/- 00.1% so I’m thinking the result is somewhat closer to 99.95% of people do not like being told what to do. Or perhaps there’s a middle-aged man from Kensington in Upper Hampshire that secretly pines for the annoyingly harsh tone of their significant other.

Anyway, science doesn’t lie – so I feel relatively comfortable in saying that no one likes being told what to do.

So why do the powers-that-be at my workplace insist on telling me every single nigglet of nigglesome useless information? Are they trying to match the annoyance level of certain TV weather people? Are they trying to put something out there to justify their ridiculously high salaries?

In the past week, we have had two ‘helpful’ notices as follows:

“Don’t Slip Up: Prevent Injuries during the Winter Months” – hereafter known as Option A


“Protect Yourself from Getting Diseases and Spreading Germs with Healthy Habits” – hereafter known as Option B

Of course both of these articles are chock full of helpful information necessary for the continued functioning of our business unit, and contain the prerequisite and omnipresent bullet point lists. These types of lists are necessary in any business environment to prove that the author is organized while also allowing them to not have to muck about using proper punctuation or sentence structure.

Let’s summarize the bullet points (note – these are the ACTUAL bullet points and are NOT MADE UP). To keep this fun, and believe me, I’m MR. FUN, I’m not going to tell you which article goes with which bullet point. You’ll have to decide for yourself.

  • Wash your hands often with soap and water.hands
    • Could be either, but I’m going to have to go with Option B.
  • Avoid touching your eyes and nose.
    • Again, could be either but I think this refers to having your hands available as you fall on your ass – so I’ll go with Option A.
  • Keep your hands out of your pockets to allow you to keep your balance.
    • See above – Option A it is.
  • Pay attention when going up and down stairs and use handrails.
    • In Option A you want to use handrails. But in Option B you DON’T. WHAT TO DO!?!? I’ll go with Option A.
  • Avoid carrying objects.
    • This is kind of my general rule for life, so it’s another difficult one. I’ll go with Option A – but apparently they don’t want me to ever do manual labor (that’s how I interpret it). Mission accomplished!
  • Drink warm liquids periodically throughout the day.
    • I think here they’re just trying to get me to buy their coffee in the cafeteria – so that’s a trip down the stairs. Therefore, it has to be Option B.

Those were all pretty easy to decide which option the point refers to. But my final (and favorite) items:

  • Gargle twice a day with strong mouth wash.
    • If I’m gargling, I may trip. Therefore, this has to be Option B.
  • Take slow, small steps and point your feet outward.
    • OK, now I KNOW that this was just to put in there to see if anyone actually read it. It’s Option A I assume.
  • Use your feet as probes to detect possible slip, trip and fall hazards.penguin
    • Well this is a giveaway obviously – but now in addition to taking slow steps and pointing my feet outward, I have to also use my outward pointing feet as probes??? Do anyone’s feet actually behave like that – other than a penguin? And what exactly do you want me to probe???
  • Use hand sanitizers if you are unable to get to a bathroom.
    • Maybe I’m reading this incorrectly, but my company is obviously now giving me permission to relieve myself in the hand sanitizer. Since this just came out this morning, I haven’t had the chance to do this – but I appreciate my company basically giving me sanitizeradditional bathroom options. We were always short on stalls anyway.

Yes. These were all ACTUAL words of advice imparted to thousands of adults.  I’ll report back tomorrow on my first use of the hand sanitizers. I’m really looking forward to it, although I’m not sure how the person immediately following me will feel about it.

  1. Just to be clear, the hand sanitizer rule only applies at work. Do NOT try this at home.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s funny how the man who recently posted on his slip-n-slide maneuver the other morning, literally ending up in pile of dog sh*t, is now making fun of the tried and true “penguin approach” to navigating slippery terrain. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’ve got an excellent point, and to be honest with you, if I would have probed a little bit more this morning getting out of my truck, I may not have slipped and almost fallen in the work parking garage. It may be kharma coming back to bite me.


  3. writerinsoul says:

    Seems to me there’s a greater good to leaving hands IN the pockets thereby a) avoiding carrying objects and b) not touching your eyes and nose. Since there are two benefits, they trump the one of not breaking a fall with your face.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Carrie Rubin says:

    The sad part is, the people who really DO need to be told this stuff will never read the bulletins anyway. 🙂


  5. Kari says:

    If the hand sanitizer will flush more effectively than the current potties, then I’m all for that idea.

    Liked by 1 person

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