VertiGo Tell It On The Mountain

Posted: December 17, 2014 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , ,

Since I’ve gotten old(er), I have had the extreme pleasure of experiencing vertigo every time I get sick. To simplify my health patterns, I’ve prepared an easy-to-read chart for you:

Aftermath of flu:                                                                              vertigo
Aftermath of cold:                                                                            vertigo
Aftermath of kicking my bare toe into a brick wall:                                 vertigo
Aftermath of “How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb”:                               vertigo

That last one is a REALLY hilarious joke if you know the band U2. For the 1% of you out there that get the joke – you’re welcome. For the remaining 99%, you’ll just have to walk down the street with no name, with or without me, because you STILL haven’t found what you’re looking for.

The upshot of all this is that I get vertigo like a coon hound gets ticks. No matter the ailment, I am guaranteed a fun 3-4 days afterwards of sitting in a darkened room ‘Aligning My Crystals’. That’s seriously what the doctor told me I needed to do. No hokum. No pokum. ‘Aligning My Crystals’. They went to medical school (I presume…) for that.

So I’m in the midst of a fairly bad case of vertigo currently. This was as a result of a flu/migraine thing that happened a couple of days ago. Being the dedicated employee that I am, I decided to drive an hour to the office yesterday to show what grit and determination I possess. Little did I know that my workplace is a literal shop of horrors for the vertigo-impaired.

First, I walk down the hallway to my charming little cubicle:


I sit in my cubicle and stare at the cubicle walls:


I turn the other way and try to look out the window:


Having enough of this fun, I start to walk out of the cubicle to go to the restroom:


Then I get into the restroom:


Finally, after stumbling back to my cubicle with my eyes closed, groping the walls and various co-workers for support – I flop down into my chair and in walks my employee for his regularly scheduled meeting. He is wearing a shirt very close to this:


Of course he unfolded it and took the pins out first, but you get the idea.  I felt odd taking a picture of his shirt while it was actually on him, and I didn’t feel that it was appropriate as a boss to ask him to remove the shirt.

After this all-too-obvious conspiracy of patterns against us vertizens, I falteringly and awkwardly headed out to my car to drive an hour home and ‘Align My Crystals’.  I hope his medical degree from the Universidad de la San Cristobal de la Garcia uno Becko was legitimate.

  1. Sorry to hear about the vertigo and the crystals out of alignment. Not to take pleasure in your pain, but my students always find vertigo and otolith alignment to be fascinating topics. I may be using you as a reference in future lectures. 🙂 On a side note- I hope your employer does not see this blog. If something like this would come to the attention of the higher ups at my workplace, we would be locked in discussions for months about appropriate carpet and tile patterns for the “vertigo-impaired”.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. So you didn’t actually lie down on the carpet until someone came and sprayed a body shape around you, like they do in Law & Order? (Yes, I know in L&A you have to be dead first for that to happen – but L&A is a TV program, okay? It’s not accurate!) Because I think that would have been an entirely appropriate reaction to that carpet, although I understand if you didn’t want to do it in the restroom. And, you know, it’s just possible that having a nice bright orange shape there to break the pattern would help you in future vertiginous explorations of your office environment.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Linda says:

    Meclizine? Helps me but I don’t get it as frequently as you seem to. Hope you feel better

    Liked by 1 person

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