Since I’ve gotten old(er), I have had the extreme pleasure of experiencing vertigo every time I get sick. To simplify my health patterns, I’ve prepared an easy-to-read chart for you:
Aftermath of flu: vertigo
Aftermath of cold: vertigo
Aftermath of kicking my bare toe into a brick wall: vertigo
Aftermath of “How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb”: vertigo
That last one is a REALLY hilarious joke if you know the band U2. For the 1% of you out there that get the joke – you’re welcome. For the remaining 99%, you’ll just have to walk down the street with no name, with or without me, because you STILL haven’t found what you’re looking for.
The upshot of all this is that I get vertigo like a coon hound gets ticks. No matter the ailment, I am guaranteed a fun 3-4 days afterwards of sitting in a darkened room ‘Aligning My Crystals’. That’s seriously what the doctor told me I needed to do. No hokum. No pokum. ‘Aligning My Crystals’. They went to medical school (I presume…) for that.
So I’m in the midst of a fairly bad case of vertigo currently. This was as a result of a flu/migraine thing that happened a couple of days ago. Being the dedicated employee that I am, I decided to drive an hour to the office yesterday to show what grit and determination I possess. Little did I know that my workplace is a literal shop of horrors for the vertigo-impaired.
First, I walk down the hallway to my charming little cubicle:
I sit in my cubicle and stare at the cubicle walls:
I turn the other way and try to look out the window:
Having enough of this fun, I start to walk out of the cubicle to go to the restroom:
Then I get into the restroom:
Finally, after stumbling back to my cubicle with my eyes closed, groping the walls and various co-workers for support – I flop down into my chair and in walks my employee for his regularly scheduled meeting. He is wearing a shirt very close to this:
Of course he unfolded it and took the pins out first, but you get the idea. I felt odd taking a picture of his shirt while it was actually on him, and I didn’t feel that it was appropriate as a boss to ask him to remove the shirt.
After this all-too-obvious conspiracy of patterns against us vertizens, I falteringly and awkwardly headed out to my car to drive an hour home and ‘Align My Crystals’. I hope his medical degree from the Universidad de la San Cristobal de la Garcia uno Becko was legitimate.