On Cannibalism and Birthdays

Posted: January 6, 2015 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , ,

Today is my birthday. The day that I was birthed. By my mother. Interestingly enough, today was also the day that noted thespian Mr. Bean celebrates HIS birthday. I’m not ashamed to say that of all the wonderful people that I share a birthday with – he is definitely my favorite and the person that I relate to the most. But I wrote about him last year on this here day of my birth, so I’ll refrain from bopping the old Beaner again.

Birthdays should be a time of reflection and perspection. Of rejection and deflection. And yes – of injection and dejection. I was spending my first hours of my birthed day this morning reflecting on my name. Tim. I’ve never really had a truepitbull nickname – not like the gentlemen popularly referred to as ‘The Pitbull’. That is a nickname, but yet HE has a nickname FOR his nickname! He is normally referred to as ‘Mr. Worldwide’. I don’t know really what that means…and frankly I don’t understand how he became so popular in the first place to deserve such as far-ranging nickname. Me? I’d settle for ‘Mr. LeftSideOfTheCouch’ as my moniker. That’s about as far reaching as I get.

I know that my parents always said that they named me ‘Timothy’ because of the biblical character. However, I have discovered the real truth in my name. For you see, ladies and gentlemen, I was actually named after a song written in 1971 called ‘Timothy’.

Did you ever search for the name of a loved one to see if there was a song you could steal from someone so that you could play it to said loved one and make them feel all woobly inside? If your name happened to be ‘Fernando’….BOOM….you have ABBA singing a song about you. If your name happened to be ‘Beth’…..BOOM….KISS wrote a whole love song about you. But Timothy?  GOT IT!

Here is the actual song – it’s so boppy and catchy you can’t HELP but sing along with the chorus.

So what’s this little diddy about? Here are the lyrics and my comments on the only song ever written about ‘Timothy’:

Trapped in a mine that had caved in
And everyone knows the only ones left
Were Joe and me and Tim

THE REAL TIMOTHY NOTES: OK – horrible story – mine cave-in and three people were trapped. Like a country song but with an uplifting and bouncy tone.

When they broke through to pull us free
The only ones left to tell the tale
Was Joe and me

THE REAL TIMOTHY NOTES: Um….where did Timothy go? Where on EARTH did he go?

Timothy, Timothy, where on earth did you go
Timothy, Timothy, God why don’t I know

Hungry as hell, no food to eat
And Joe said that he would sell his soul
For just a piece of meat

Water enough to drink for two
And Joe said to me, I’ll take a swig
And then there’s some for you

THE REAL TIMOTHY NOTES: Fair enough. Sharing food and water. But WHERE would we get enough meat for three timothypeople???

Timothy, Timothy, Joe was looking at you
Timothy, Timothy, God what did we do

THE REAL TIMOTHY NOTES: God. What did Joe do???????

I must have blacked out just ’round then
‘Cause the very next thing that I could see
Was the light of the day again

THE REAL TIMOTHY NOTES: Phew. Everything must have worked out. Salvation has been obtained.

My stomach was full as it could be
And nobody ever got around to finding Timothy

THE REAL TIMOTHY NOTES: Uhhhhh….what happened to Timothy????

Timothy, Timothy where on earth did you go
Timothy, Timothy god why don’t I know

That’s right. It appears that Joe and ‘me’ have taken to cannibalism and eaten Timothy. I repeat – the only song ever written about my beautiful name was that some dude named Joe butchered me and ate me. How do you think that makes me feel? Satiated? Ew.

In the spring of 1971, a one-hit wonder group called ‘The Buoys’ actually recorded this song called ‘Timothy’ that was written cannibalism_tipsby Rupert Holmes. Yes – THAT Rupert Holmes of the liking pina coladas and getting drunk in the rain fame. Well, apparently in 1971 he also liked eating trapped cave miners. According to the Wikipedia entry for the song ‘Timothy’ (and no, I didn’t write it):

According to his own account, Holmes and a colleague had discovered the Buoys and convinced Scepter Records to sign them to a one-single contract. Since the deal did not call for the label to promote the single, the band would have to find some other way to get themselves and their song noticed. Holmes suggested a novel solution to this problem: to purposefully record a song likely to be banned, thus generating publicity for the Buoys under the time-honored axiom that “there’s no such thing as bad publicity”.

A brilliant solution to a problem that has scarred me and my folk (those named Timothy forever). To all the “Joes” that I’ve ever disrespected in my life – this is the reason. Joe eats Timothy. Therefore, Timothy can’t possibly be friends with Joe.

I’m going to go have a hamburger.


  1. First, Happy Birthday! Second, I am sorry your quest to find an uplifting song about your birth name took a turn for the worst and resulted in cannibal lyrics. When the words “cannibal” and “birthday” end up juxtaposed in a blog, I am not sure what else there is to say.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Well, at least the melody of the song is uplifting. Don’t quite get how the tune goes with the words. I guess that’s why I have always said that I want the Bob Marley song “Three Little Birds” at my funeral.


  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    Ha! That’s hilarious! Unless you’re Timothy, that is. But what an incongruent melody to go with those macabre lyrics. They might as well put the words to the song “Happy” for as peppy as it is.

    Liked by 1 person

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