Those words swim in my ears like so many fish heading upstream to spawn. Rolling around my head and spinning in my thoughts as if they could make a special dinner of every idea I ever had. Taking their time to soak in the rivulets of cells while gasping for their very lives as if nothing else in the world mattered.
Where the hell did THAT come from?
This is my first of two reviews of my recent cruise to the Bahamas and Key West. Unlike a normal travel blogger, I choose not to focus on the food, the shows, the shore excursions and the beautiful ship. No…as your faithful bodily fluid blogger I choose to focus on my review of the most obvious target on the spectacular cruise.
The bathroom. Or head as we nautical people say.
Now anyone could sit here and criticize the size of the bathrooms on a cruise ship and the fact that if you don’t put the shower curtain exactly where it’s supposed to be you will distribute the entire water system of the ship over the city of Nassau. I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’d like to know how a ship with almost 3,000 people aboard can have MORE hot water and MORE water pressure than the three showers in my house COMBINED. Bravo Royal Caribbean.
Something I DID find out on the cruise – I can actually now take a ‘dry shower’. That’s right – the whole bathing, shaving, brushing the teeth, washing of the hair with nary a bit of water used.
- This is kinda sketchy I admit, but just putting on new clothes and slapping deodorant liberally throughout your person does wonders for your cleanliness. In fact, throwing some suntan lotion on top of the deodorant actually gives you a few extra hours of cruise ship merriment. And see below the note about Purell. There is NOTHING wrong with using the bazillion Purell machines on the ship to have a mini-Purell bath. It may be thick, but it would be effective.
- Water not necessary. Put on some shaving cream and hack away at those whiskers a millimeter at a time with a dull razor blade. Not only does it work, it makes your skin tougher than the leather saddle used by Kevin Costner in “Dances With Wolves”.
- Brushing Teeth. See #2. Much easier than shaving due to the material being dry-washed.
- Washing the Hair. Pssst!. Dry Shampoo. WHAT? Where did this invention come from? As far as I can tell, you spray condensed air that smells somewhat like deodorant and it passes for washed hair! This is a real product that you can buy. Right now. I can’t believe I’ve slept on this wonderful invention for all of these years.
So why was I taking a dry shower? Laziness mostly. But also because the whole ship/water/flodding thing freaked me out a bit. I was walking past the bathroom one afternoon and saw a steady stream of water rushing out of the bathroom. Thinking quickly on my feet as I so often do I grabbed a towel and started sopping all the water on the carpet up while flinging the bathroom door open and adjusting the shower curtain where my wife was practically FLOODING THE SHIP! I basically stopped a catastrophe from happening. Although thinking about it now if the water that is stored on the ship spills out ONTO the ship – it’s just a 1 for 1 swap so the displacement stays the same. But I still maintain somehow that I saved the ship.
So why the odd title of this blog? Cruise ships now are basically just a vehicle for Purell to get their brand out to the public. There is no other purpose to have a cruise ship other than having 15 Purell machines at every entrance to every bathroom or restaurant. And:
That we walked into the restaurant we were greeted (i.e. commanded) to wash our hands with Purell. Every single time we were met with:
“Washy, washy!….hafasjy hafasjy” Now the second part is definitely up for debate. Some of my party thought that the greeting was always finished with “Happy, Happy!” However, there were others that felt the phrase was “Healthy, Healthy”. And yes, there was a sole partier who thought that it was “Handy, Handy!” So the Purell advertising campaign was somewhat limited in its effectiveness. Although if I’m still talking about it I could be wrong about the failure.
Anyway, one last note on the bathrooms. On the way out of the public bathrooms was this sign:
I tried for 8 nights and 9 days to figure out what it meant. I dutifully tripped over each step as it asked, but could never get anyone to slam me in the head with the door. So I don’t know how helpful the sign was. If you can figure out what the sign means, please let me know.
End Part 1. Part 2 coming soon will take a look at the backbone of any cruise – the people. The wonderful people.