I wish sometimes that I could think of a great opening line for a blog. Abe did it with his “Fourscore and ….” thinga-muh-bobby. C-Dick did it with his “It was the best of times….” spiel. Melville bowled us over with “Call me Ishmael”.
One of my last opening lines?
“I’ve always been somewhat fascinated by the fact that as one gets older, one tends to spit more.”
Awesome. So anyway I was reflecting on my failures as an author and even more general failures as a functioning member of society this evening when the phone rang. I never answer the phone, and this was no exception – so it went to the answering machine to take care of the prattling on that the caller was bound to do. But this time was different. When I listened to the message, the end of it went as follows:
“Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I can help you out if you need it…”
That seems all fantastic right? Very nice and very caring. Until…..as this caller was slowly removing the phone from their ear and reaching to press the disconnect button, they weren’t quite quick enough for their mouths and out of their generous, caring talking orifice was uttered:
“There….THAT’s done.” Click.
That’s correct. They let what they were actually thinking flow down from their brain through the nerves into the voice box and force epiglottal vibrations to be erupted out into the open air. Suddenly the message went from a kind, caring message to an evil, ‘had-to-do-it’ kind of message in one fell swoop. Funny thing is – they fully and totally believe that they have checked the ‘help Tim and his family’ box on their ‘Random Acts of Kindness’ checklist and will be rewarded somehow.
So how am I going to reward them? They are going to get to help the CRAP out of me. They will be called on a daily basis and asked for help with the subject at hand. They will be FORCED to listen to my complaining and continual whining about all of the help I need. I’ll ask the person if their family can help me out as well. And then we’ll start a whole movement – with every single person they know having to help me. I will be in need of so much help that the only help that they can give me is the help that I have yet to request. They will become my mega-helpers. All because of three slipped words (and three slipped dots…)
Who am I kidding? I won’t say a word to them about it. They’ll continue to check off their list and go home none the wiser.
See why I don’t answer the phone?