I have always been a sucker for Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats. Not the ‘Bite-Size’ mini-wheat or the ‘Little’ mini-wheat (yes, both of those are a real thing). I go for the more manly full-sized ‘Original’ mini-wheat. These are the smaller-sized version of the Shredded Wheat of which we grew up with so many years ago.
I’ve read that last paragraph 5 times now, and while it makes absolutely no sense it gives a perfect representation of the size of a mini-wheat. That seems to be how my mind works the vast majority of the time – a veritable cornucopia of words and ideas that spews out a tiny, processed piece of wonderfulness.
Frosted Mini-Wheats is by far my favorite cereal. The crunchy stringiness of the wheat grains gives a tangible mouth-feel of epic proportions. The over-abundance of sugary coating means that it’s a one-stop cereal: No mucking about pouring sugar on a bowl of these little goddesses of goodness for me….these have all the sugar necessary for that sublime experience that we all hope for. Sure, there are other varieties of Mini-Wheats including Cinnamon/Brown Sugar, Fruited, Strawberry, among others…but none of them hold a half-filled cereal spoon to the regular Frosted Original.
However, there are several factors at work in the brains of the Kellogg’s Marketing gurus (who I imagine just sitting at a table all day long wearing bibs and white trench coats while holding big red plastic spoons) that are forcing me to call into question the integrity of the cereal. These reasons:
- Kellogg’s insists on calling each individual mini-wheat a ‘biscuit’. That could not irk me more than if a demonic squirrel with no teeth ripped each eyelash off of my face with individual fervor AND vigor. Or a vigorous fervor, if you will. I hate the word ‘biscuit’ as a rule. It’s right up there in my ‘must-not-use’ category with drawer, packet and roll. However, regardless if you like the word or not, biscuit is NOT what a mini-wheat actually is. A biscuit is a flaky, golden bundle of joy and energy. A mini-wheat is a milk-soaked, wheat-infused, sugary spider web of awesomeness. Completely different.
- Someone from the above Marketing Guru group came up with a ‘fun’ back of the box. This solitary and lonely individual – who I’ll name Elmer because I knew a guy in Middle School named Elmer and I always felt horribly sorry for him – has found a way to put EVERY SINGLE ONE of my pet peeves on the back of the box. I’m sure that Elmer feels that this is adding ‘FUN’ to the cereal eating experience. Let’s break down the back of the box that Elmer has developed:
- “Field-to-Biscuit” – Unless a cow pooped out a mini-wheat when I wasn’t looking, it’s not “field-to-“ anything but a massive processing factory somewhere in Michigan. This is one of those annoying catch phrases out now trying to draw anyone in to its web of deceit.
- “Must-Read” – speaking of annoying catch phrases. Don’t tell me what to do. I’ll be the judge of what I want to read and what I don’t. Elmer then compounds the error by illustrating a talking mini-wheat telling me to ‘Look’. Don’t tell me what to do. And don’t even get me started on why the ‘ON’ in the sentence “I’m ON Facebook” is capitalized and underlined.
- “Fun Facts” – Fun facts to whom? Once again, I feel Elmer is forcing me to feel a certain way about a fact. I’ll decide how I feel about roughage, thank you Elmer. I also don’t particularly think “Foods high in fiber help support good health” is a FUN fact. It’s a fact. Don’t sugar coat the fiber facts, Elmer.
Now I’m not saying that due to Elmer’s antics I’m going to stop eating Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats. I’m just putting it out there that someone better take Elmer’s hand real darn quick and guide him away from the perilous path that he’s heading down. Because before you know it if Elmer continues to have his way with the packaging, there will be non-stop ‘organics’, countless ‘hydroponics’, and numerous ‘heart-healthy’ references that I’ll have to weed through.
Just drop the pencil, Elmer.