I’m just warning you up front here that not only am I going to be talking about poop, but even worse I’m going to be talking about the smearing of said poop. If you feel yourself already getting queasy, I’ll give you a couple of seconds to cogitate on something else. If you come back after the break, I guarantee you it will be worth it.
Now that we’ve weeded out the weaker of the group, I would like to announce a couple of brand new medical miracles that were discovered this morning. Well, they weren’t discovered by scientists this morning, but they were rained down upon me like a tropical storm in the jungles of Belize. I’ll dispense with all of the normal flowery crap and report the issues as they occurred.
I have high cholesterol. That’s not too big of a surprise since I tend to enjoy a Big Mac now and again. Well, now and now. And then now. But I’ve been on medication for this ‘condition’ for probably 10 years now so that I am free to eat whatever I want without further clogging my arteries. And yes, as my family will attest – I actually believe that the pill will allow me to eat what I want. It’s been proven since I have yet to have a heart attack.
Because of the elevated cholesterol coursing through my veins, the insurance companies require me to undergo blood tests every 6 months or so to ensure that I STILL have high cholesterol and as a result, pay for my future medicine. Every 6 months I have to fast the morning before the blood test because apparently that is the only way that the blood test will work. As a result of this starvation factor, I would always stop at a random fast food restaurant after leaving the blood test to replace the fat that the blood test has drained out of me. Well, imagine my surprise when my doctor told me this morning that it was no longer required to fast! Apparently, there was a study done in the UK that proved that there was no correlation between fasting before a blood test and having a heart attack. If that doesn’t make any sense to you, then join the club. It basically was the medical profession throwing up their hands and saying “I have no idea why we wanted them to fast in the first place, but we’ll make up some random excuse and prove that they now no longer have to fast.”
However, that revelation pales in comparison to:
Yep – the dreaded 5-syllable word. It was time for mine. So I go in this morning expecting the fine doctor to set me up for an appointment with the butt doctor to be roto-rootered. See? Squeamish alert. However, my doctor STUNS me by saying that I now have two options:
- Go for the colonoscopy and risk getting my colon punctured with a probe the size of a baseball bat….OR
- Utilize the brand spanking new POOP CARDS! You bring a special index card home from the doctor, put some of your ‘sample’ on the card and mail it to the lab. Now, there are drawbacks to this obviously – like you can no longer eat the mail – but otherwise it’s an every-year test to save yourself the ‘fun’ of a colonoscopy.
The doctor looked at me with a straight face and asked me, “So which option would you like to try…?” She was dead serious. Like there was ANYONE out there that would choose option 1. I sprinted out of that office with a poop card so fast it would make your head swim.
So obviously doctors are still just making crap up willy-nilly. My hope is that soon they will determine that needles are actually too sharp and will JUST DEVELOP A PILL FOR EVERY VACCINE.
Now THAT would be a medical miracle.