The Slushiest Sweet Tea

Posted: February 20, 2015 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , ,

Something disturbing happened to me and my sweet iced tea yesterday. As many of you know, I love to partake in that particular beverage practically every day. OK….EVERY day. The sweet nectar of the Gods is what I like to call it – and it provides a soothing friendship to me in my darkest days while providing me the impetus to move off my chair due to the intense impact of the caffeine.

So the other day we went to a local hamburger chain (shocker) and I got an additional sweet iced tea with no ice to save for a future dry period. Yesterday was that dry period. I took the tea out of the refrigerator when I left for work at 6:00am and enjoyed it during my hour-long commute to work. Once I got to work, I didn’t really want to carry it in so I left the remainder in the truck. I figured it was going to be below freezing so would get to enjoy the rest of the cold tea on my way back home. This would be the perfect work sandwich – two slices of sweet gotea_frozenodness enveloping a filling of boring monotony (work being defined as a big fat pile of bologna).

However, I failed to grasp one important thing. When I got back to the truck to drive home, it was colder outside than I had anticipated. My iced tea had turned to something that was beyond normal human comprehension. The consistency had turned into the same type of goo as those fake green juice smoothies that people make out of every weed in the world – liquid with large granules. Iced tea should never have unknown large granules. That was my first gulp of the tea. In my second gulp, I slurped up what can only be considered ‘a mass’. It was fibrous and gelatinous all at the same time. It managed to make it through the straw and once it HIT the back of my throat it dissolved into a sugary mess. I’m not a squeamish eater or drinker, but this one had me pause for a moment to take stock in all that I believe in. To save time and thought process, I have condensed the next 15 minutes of my life into a FAQ:


Q: Did you still drink it?
A: Yes

Q: Did you still enjoy it?
A: Yes

Q: Did you ever figure out what the mass was?
A: No

Q: Will you stop getting iced tea because of this incident?
A: No

Although I’m still not sure what the ‘mass’ was – it hasn’t seemed to have done any irreparable harm to my psyche or my stomach. In fact, I think that anyone that says sweet iced tea EVER does any harm is just living in their little coffee-filled bubble. Haters gonna hate.

  1. I am not sure which is more concerning- the “mass” in the sweet tea or the fact you post FAQ that you ask and answer yourself….

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t often actual L.O.L. … but you actually made omelet come out of my nose.

    What – did I just gross you out? Golly, payback’s a bitch!

    Also, iced tea is DISGUSTING.

    Liked by 1 person

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