Fun With Email

Posted: April 22, 2015 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , ,

Every once in a while all of the minor piddling bits of annoyingness swimming around in my brain find themselves bumping around with all of their little annoying friends and screaming for their freedom. You, my dear reader, are the true beneficiary of this spewing. Both of the below items are small chunks of brain matter that have arisen in recent months in the category of emails that I feel are necessary to release to allow a little more room for craemailnial breathing. Let’s take them one by one and try to ease some of the pressure from that section of my brain.

The Terse Reply

I recently had occasion at work to do some actual work. I know that many of you “in the know” will find this somewhat unbelievable, but it’s true. Because of this new found “work” thing, I went into a local computer system and added a new contract. To do this (because I would NEVER do anything from scratch) I copied a previous entry and then just made the necessary changes. However, despite my incredible grasp of thoroughness and detail, I forgot to change one date. No big deal, just notify me that I made an error and move on. Here’s the email from the “System Nazi” that I received. Note that this is the email in its entirety:

Tim,

Please don’t enter leads that are incorrect.  LTP with an RFP that’s already passed.

Thanks

Oh! I was honestly not aware that that I was supposed to enter data correctly. My whole work life would have been altered if I knew that fact. Moving forward, I’ll CERTAINLY adhere to that principle.  Here are the things that could have made this a better email.

  • Throw a stupid ‘Hi’ before my name. That automatically softens the hammer blow of criticism.
  • Don’t throw acronyms at me in a two semi-sentence email. Are you that busy that you can’t spell out the words? Why don’t YOU just go LTP your RFP, big guy.
  • Sign your stupid name. What are you – the King of England?

What makes this even worse is that my response (of course I had to respond) started with:

“Obviously this was not intentional.”

And ended with

“I’ll certainly be more cognizant of this in the future so that you don’t have to trouble yourself.”

With the sarcasm literally dripping off of each letter of each word. Yet his response?

“No trouble. Thanks for updating.”

Completely non-satisfying. Sarcasm is a work of art and needs to be appreciated. Oh – and I can’t WAIT to add another entry and leave a date incorrect – just to see if his head actually explodes.

The Weird Digital Signature Man

Last week I was exchanging very professional emails with a client. These emails, believe it or not, were almost business-like in quality. I mean, we were talking about real things like contracts, financials, agreements and even a few ‘fiscal year’ and ‘paradigm shift’ comments thrown in for good measure. After the last email, I noticed something strangely disturbing. I’ve seen bad signature lines in emails before, believe me – but this thing was CREEPY. Here, without editing, is this person’s signature line in EVERY EMAIL that they send:

signature

What the heck is that little person? Male? Female? It seems to have exclamation marks for breasts and it is winking at me. Is this person putting some sort of voodoo curse on me with this little beast? Also, I find it odd that ‘they’ would put their ‘nickname’ in ‘quotes’ in the very first line. The fact that this ‘nickname’ is COMPLETELY not related in any way, shape or form to their given name is besides the fact. It’s like me signing a letter as – Timothy ‘Al’ Blahblah. This is why I never call people on the phone – what they heck am I supposed to use as their name? In an email, I can just start it with my traditional “Greetings”. Formal. Distinguished. Elegant.

And I don’t put a creepy little voodoo figure at the end of an email.

Just blogs.

creepy

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Comments
  1. writerinsoul says:

    Haha! Somebody put a lot of effort into creating Mr/Ms Weird Winky.

    Your sarcasm probably would gave been lost in person too. Literal people don’t go in for such shenanigans.

    Another excellent workplace-inspired post!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    That little email signature has a rather spiky groin area. That could prove painful.

    Too funny that your sarcasm was completely lost on your recipient. He probably walked away feeling great, thinking, “How good of me to alert him to the error so it won’t happen again. And how nice that he took it so well and even apologized.”

    Liked by 2 people

  3. The other day I received a call from someone who said a few words that I didn’t quite catch, and then the call cut out. I tried to call back and got voice mail, so I figured they were leaving a message and got on with what I was doing. A half hour or so later I tried again. (I don’t usually go to that much trouble, but I was expecting a couple calls – responses to CL inquiries, etc). Again, voice mail. So I shrugged and forgot about it. About an hour later I got a call from the same number. The conversation went as follows:
    Unfriendly young female voice: Have you been calling me?
    Me: Umm … well, you called me, so yes, I tried to call back. What did you want?
    UYFV: I didn’t call you.
    Me: Yes, actually you did. I have no idea who you are, and I had no reason to call you.
    UYFV: Well, please stop calling me.
    Me: …?
    UYFV: Did you hear me? I want you to stop calling!
    Me: But YOU called ME!
    UYFV: Just stop calling me! Can you do that?
    Me: (in tones dripping with sarcasm) But of course, I’d be very happy never to speak with you again.
    UYFV. (sounding happy) Thank you.

    I’ve been awake after midnight a couple times since then and the temptation has been enormous.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What is LTP? I assume RFP = request for proposal? I am acronym-challenged.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. i HATE it when good (great) sarcasm is lost on others. Seriously, there is such a sense of “why did I even bother?”- which is sometimes even more annoying that the original context which prompted the sarcasm in the first place!

    Liked by 2 people

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