Apple Gibberish? Or….BRILLIANCE?

Posted: May 22, 2015 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , ,

As an aside (can you ‘aside’ something if you haven’t even started the non-aside portion?) I initially put about 5 question marks in the title of this blog following the word brilliance. Does that mean that it’s a REALLY good or important question? Am I trying to force the reader’s attention by inflecting his/her up-tone even more at the end of the second sentence? Regardless, as you can plainly see, I’ve settled on the much more rational and calm single question questionmark. So that’s done then.

It will come as no surprise to you that recently I found myself sitting in a meeting where I had neither the intent, the desire, nor the compunction to participate in any way, shape or form. This is not a new occurrence, as can be found in an earlier blog written to alleviate the boredom of a normal meeting. So while idly biding my time waiting for Speaker A to wind down from his Shakespeare-esque soliloquy leading into Speaker B’s Clancy-esque rebuttal, I broke Apple’s code. That’s right – they’ve been playing mind games with us since 2014 when they introduced a native machine learning technology called QuickType that it said will adapt to the iOS user’s use of language over time to offer customized next word predictions as they type. Three next word predictions are positioned just above the iOS keyboard so the user can tap once to select a correct next-word prediction, rather than having to tap out all the rest of the letters in the word. It looks like this:


What happens, though, when you ONLY use predictive technology to type a sentence? While Speaker A was not finishing up at all, I sat there and tapped the far left button repeatedly. Shockingly, I got this sentence:

I love you so much fun and addicting but it is a great day to be a good day to be a great day to be a good day.

Right? RIGHT???? You see where I’m going, don’t you. Apple is slowly trying to not only predict, but FORCE on us this critical message. I’m not even going to mention (well, I guess I really am) that this was VERY much like a spam message I received from a person named “Valerie” who asked me to hit her up on Craigslist. She wanted a very good time also and wanted it to be a good day to be a great day for me.

So what happens when you repeatedly tap the middle button?

The fact I can see it as an excuse for the next day and night with the best of the year and I don’t think that I have a great way of the year.

Hmmm. Very factual and explanatory. Almost sad actually. So the left button is FAR happier than the middle button. Good to know. So what happens when you let Apple predict your sentence by tapping the RIGHT buttoold ladyn repeatedly:

I’m at a time when you are so much for a long way in hell of an old lady at my job to do that for me I was in my room.

I mean, if that’s not downright threatening and foreboding I don’t know what is. For Apple to predict that I would say the phrase ‘hell of an old lady’ shakes me to the very corner of my bodily foundation.

Since Speaker A now shows no sign of winding down, what happens when I tap with a pattern of “left button, center button, right button, repeat”? Let’s see:

I don’t have to go home and sleep and I don’t have to go home and sleep.

OK, innocent enough – but I can tell you that sitting in this meeting for the last 3 hours has definitely WANTED me to go home and sleep, so not sure how it could have predicted that. What happens if I go the other way – “right, center, left, repeat”?:

I’m so happy for the first place for the rest of the year before I go home to the game is a very long time no talk to my mom is the only one of my life I love.

There, in a nutshell, is the key to understanding all of the Apple empire.   Their mother is the only one in their life that they love. Who is the mother of Apple? Here, in an exclusive interview with Time magazine from March 26, 2015, is what Apple CEO Tim Cook said:

apple“The mother of all products,” according to Apple CEO Tim Cook, isn’t a new device — but it is high-tech. The “Apple Campus 2,” the working name for Apple’s under-construction new corporate campus, will unite all of Apple’s technology and artistic capabilities, Cook told Fortune in an exclusive interview published Thursday.


I don’t think you need me to spell out the incredible Sherlockian detective work that I was able to accomplish in just a few hours of boring meetings. At least Speaker A’s drone-time was well spent by THIS reporter.

And Speaker B still awaits…

  1. writerinsoul says:

    Haha! An excellent use of your time and sharp, investigative mind, Tim. My the errand cat on roof happy I am and work on life store.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. David says:

    I finally deleted enough old apps from mine to get ios8 installed, and figured out why this didn’t resonate with me – I have the predictive text turned off! Do that, and you won’t fall into their trap! Or, as well as the first time in the world to me and my mom is so much fun and I have to be a good day….

    Liked by 1 person

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