There is a disturbing theory that’s out there in the vast world that is in need of some serious attention. This is one of those “scientific theories” that has been proposed by serious scientists but has never once been proven to be true. Apparently, these holier-than-thou scientists can willy-nilly propose anything they want even though there are no facts to support it. They pass this off as ‘science’ because they thought about it over a scone and latte while sitting at a local Starbucks. Boom. Science.

That being said, this is one of those theories that I really do wish WAS true. Ladies and brown notegentlemen, we’re talking about the “Brown Note”. The brown note is a hypothetical very low infrasonic frequency that supposedly causes humans to lose control of their bowels due to the extreme resonance. As I stated above, all attempts to demonstrate the scientific existence of a ‘brown note’ using sound waves transmitted through air have failed, but that doesn’t mean that I want it any less.  I have even conducted my own experiments by directing ridiculously low humming sounds at people to see if anything occurs.  Other than really odd glances and an occasional quarter thrown at me – I’ve had no success.

To be clear, some scientists say that if you play a certain note loud enough and low enough it will cause the listener to have a massive accident right there in their pants. Let’s say this hypothetical note actually was found to exist – can you imagine the possibilities? My requirement for this would be a handheld version that could be directed at your particular target. Obviously one of the major issues of this handheld device is that you could NOT use it in one of your main target-rich environments – an airplane. While you COULD technically use it while hurtling along at 500 MPH in a slender silver tube, the collateral damage that may be experienced may cause that silver tube to become more of a hell-hole than it already is. Nowhere to run. So to speak.

So with Target #1 no longer a viable target, here are a couple of other opportunities for using my handheld Brown Note device:

SITUATION #1
You’re stopped by a police officer for speeding. 46 MPH in a 35 MPH. You know you were speeding, you were caught, you’ll pay the ticket…. all well and good. But the police officer comes blartsauntering up, throws his “Do you know why I stopped you?” question at you, and generally acts like he has just captured the last Nazi alive.

You slowly reach into the glove compartment to get the registration, and your hand cradles the flashlight device contained therein. You slide the switch coyly to the “On” position and direct a solitary note (that would make Julie Andrews proud) at the officer.

ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (the sound of the device).

Instant fun. You’ll still have to pay for the ticket, but the smug look on Officer McCockyPants’ face is wiped off immediately.

SITUATION #2
A meeting at the office. Really, nothing else needs to be said, but I’ll say it anyway. Imagine sitting in one of those interminable meetings that we all love and the main speaker is saying something like:

“As we focus on expanding our footprint internationally, we must remember that the rules of international trade affect not just the exchange of physical commodities. The rules affect pontificateevery aspect of expanding our global portfolio. It is imperative that we uphold our commitment to compliance with U.S. and international trade compliance laws and regulations that affect the export and import of technical data, software, commodities and services.”

Keep in mind that the above paragraph could have easily been summarized by “Follow the damn law.” That’s it. So anyway, about the time that Verbose McVerbosity hits “international trade compliance” you reach into your handy fanny pack, pull out the little mini-flashlight and….

ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Meeting over. Go back to your cube and do the actual work that they are paying you for. In addition, I can guarantee you that if you do this to Mr. McVerbosity in three straight meetings, he will NOT speak as long in meeting four. It’s like training a dog.

I’m opening a fund-raising campaign immediately for this device. Give generously and give warmly knowing that I will only use this new device for good and not evil. Think of all the other possibilities – rude drivers, rude clerks at stores, cheating spouses…. it’s the perfect revenge.

Once again, you’re welcome.

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Comments
  1. And here i thought you were humming because you were happy. Never realizing it was another of your social experiments.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Anonymous says:

    Very entertaining read … I’m only left to wonder, why do they call it the brown note?!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Carrie Rubin says:

    Ha, talk about an untapped super power. Wouldn’t that make for a great premise for a comic book series?…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So … okay, first, your primary mistake is humming. Human voices just don’t get that low – not since Louis Armstrong died. (He IS dead, right??) Anyway … you need a didgeridoo. We know these work because how else do you explain kangaroos?

    Second, spelling. It’s not “errrrmmm”. It’s “DOOOOOOoooooommmmmmmmmmm”. Just sayin’…

    Liked by 1 person

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