One of the top two flavors cascading its way through my palette and taking up residence in my stomach is honey. The other is bacon, but I don’t have any funny anecdotes about bacon. Bacon isn’t currently funny. Honey is. So you bacon lovers need to just quietly move on this week. This is an actual conversation that took place around the dinner table last week:
Me: “Do we have any honey?”
Wife: “Yes, in the pantry.”
I casually walked to Medieval Bulgaria where ‘pantries’ exist. I removed the traditional teddy bear-shaped container most likely to contact the nectar of the gods, turned said container upside down, and banged said container on table. I waited for movement of any kind of said honey-substance.
Me: “Did you know honey is one of the only foods that can never go bad? Should I microwave it to loosen it up?”
Wife: “Yes, but you know you can’t microwave it in that plastic bottle.”
Me: “But I can’t get the honey out of the bottle – so exactly how am I supposed to microwave it?”
Wife: “Take a knife and scoop it out and put it in a microwavable dish.”
This is becoming way too difficult an operation to simply put a dabble of honey on my biscuit.
Me: “You’re kidding…. do we have any other honey?”
Wife: “We have some honey straws…”
Note – while nothing was said for a few seconds, you can imagine my complete and utter lack of understanding at her last statement.
Wife: “They’re in the bowl of tea bags in the pantry”
Once again, I went back to Medieval Bulgaria to find THIS little pixie stick full of sugary goodness:
I am now totally and completely lost in the modern world.
Me: “How do I open the straw?”
Wife: “Just squeeze it….”
At this point I bit at the straw with no success. I tugged at it with equal negative success. Finally, I tried cutting the tip off with a knife which eventually revealed the golden and succulent goodness that I was able to engender to my biscuit.
What will they think of next, eh? Honey rocks…