Junk Food Review: Elmer Strikes Again

Posted: July 8, 2015 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , ,

“Good lord – they’ve created the perfect portable root beer float!” he exclaimed in absolute amazement. But is that a good thing that the public is clamoring for?  Let’s take a look back and see.

T W O   H O U R S   E A R L I E R

Welcome to my latest food review. I try to regularly look at trendy healthy foods that will both entertain you with their whimsy, while simultaneously providing an abundance (even an OVER-abundance) of daily vitamins and nutrients.

I say “I try to….” because honestly I have never done that. Whether sampling crappy croissants from Italy, or crappy cereal from the nation’s heartland, I tend to focus on what passes in someone’s mind for a good idea. Invariably, as I’ve discovered in my worldly travels it’s NOT been a good idea. But here we go with yet another brainchild of someone that has way too much time on their hands.

rbfc

Without further ado, I give you “Chewy Chips Ahoy! Ice Cream Creations Root Beer Float”. They actually had to make the package 2 inches longer (I measured) just to get all the words onto one side of the package. So bravo to them for that. I came across this package at the grocery store among a plethora of other types of Chips Ahoy! Cookies. Crispy, Chewy, Chocolate, Plain, Peanut Butter chips, chocolate chips – suffice it to say that Chips Ahoy! has the market cornered in types of “chocolate chip cookies”.

And what’s up with the exclamation mark? I’m sure someone when they were invented back in 1963 thought it was a fantastic marketing idea to put that on there. Just like Yahoo!. But even Yahoo! has now officially removed the exclamation mark form their name – so Nabisco needs to step up their punctuation mark removal gopename a tad.

Anyway – I love chocolate chip cookies. I love root beer floats. So imagine my shock and joy when I saw that Elmer at the Nabisco plant had merged the two flavors into one morsel of heavenly goodness. I clawed the package of cookies out of the hands of the two 7-year old boys that were fighting over it and threw it into my cart. I didn’t walk…. I RAN to the checkout lane to pay for the angelic bites so that I could rip open the package and succumb to Elmer’s whims.

One positive thing I’ll say is that the way you open these cookies is an idiot’s dream. Grab the little tab and pull. It opens easily, it reseals easily…it’s paradise in a self-closing package. I’m sure Elmer didn’t have his hand in THIS creation – so I’ll direct the gratitude to the unseen and unknown inventor who figured this age-old problem out.

So on to the actual cookie. Seven paragraphs in and I still haven’t gotten to the cookie. Here’s a picture of the doughy goddess. If this picture appears slightly out of focus it’s because my hand was shaking from excitement:

cookie

side_view

PEEPERFEEL:

Let’s face it – these cookies look spectacular.

Everything you want in a cookie, it appears to be right there. The soft, flaky dough, the rising mounds of chips, the succulent grooves of goodness and turbulent rises of texture combine with the color balance of dark and light chips to provide an experience for the eyes not seen since Jennifer Aniston appeared in “Just Go With It”.  You know the scene.

GRADE: A+ (both Ms. Aniston and the cookie)

MOUTHFEEL:

With out-of-this-world looks as shown above and a taste portfolio dying to be met, this cookie was slowly placed in my mouth. It didn’t feel processed, it didn’t feel like it had been sitting on the shelf for 3 months. However, it didn’t quite feel like it had just been pulled out of Grandma’s oven either. So I did what any true chocolate chip cookie lover does – I stuck it in the microwave for 13 seconds. BOOM! Instant Grandma – minus the sloppy, wet kisses and $1 in your birthday card. This heating of the cookie brings the cookie to a whole new level. A REALLY good mouthfeel level.

GRADE: B+ (only because you won’t always have access to a microwave)

TASTE:

Now the real test – how does the darn thing taste? See my first statement to this blog. It was awesome. It honestly felt like cookie + root beer = root beer float cookies. Bravo to Elmer and his hard-working team at Nabisco.

GRADE: A

FINAL GRADE

F.

Huh? Why? One simple fact – you can only eat one of these tender, beautiful morsels before you become completely and violently ill from the pure sweetness of the cookie. So while you’re enjoying the crap out of that first cookie, you know for sure that it will be your last. Additionally, your tastes may vary as every other member of my family declined to even try it.

So keep on working Elmer – Strawberry Short Cake? Could be next up on the list. Chocolate Éclair? Bavarian Cream? The opportunities are limitless.

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Comments
  1. I never, ever thought I would witness you giving a food product a grade “A” on your blog for taste. Having followed you for some time, I know the exacting standards you maintain in your critiques. Bravo!!! (exclamation points included on purpose) 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. David says:

    Way to go for the Google clicks with the female pop culture reference too!

    Liked by 1 person

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