Fish Loins

Posted: February 24, 2016 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , ,

Yesterday if you were to ask me what a loin was, I would have looked up out of the corner of my eye in a brilliantly pensive pose, chin propped up on a casually clinched fist, and said “Hmmmmm…..” And you would have been so impressed with the thought that I put into each and every question posed to me. However, I probably wouldn’t have known the answer. Is a loin a physical piece of meat somewhere in the body? Is it more an ephemeral item like a whiff of smoke? Is it a permanent soul-like part of the human experience?

Obviously research needed to be done. The normal time when you hear the word is when you and/or your friend and/or your enemy have a so-called ‘aching in the loins’. What aches? Who aches? Does Tylenol help it?

According to Google – loins are the part of the body on both sides of the spine between the lowest ribs and the hipbones. So they ARE a physical thing…. who knew.

Let’s back up a day. My wonderful wife makes our quarterly trip to Costco to load up on 500 pound bags of dog food, 30 pound containers of detergent and 10 pound boxes of Raisin Bran. You know as well as I however of the “Costco Effect” – where people buy completely random things such as a $250 framed oil painting of a jester on a horse (because at other places it’s a full $25 more!) or a hybrid garden weasel with flowbie attachment to both till your garden AND cut your hair. Well, my wonderful wife is not immune to the Costco Effect – let’s be serious, who among us is – so this is what she came home with:


I’m going to be straight up honest with you. Not only was I confused about what a loin was, I also had no idea what a tilapia was. I mean I knew it was fishy because our house would stink any time my wife would proclaim happily “We’re having tilapia tonight!” but I’ve never caught one or seen one caught. So it’s off to Google to do research.

My wife has always proclaimed that tilapia is a healthy alternative to the normal foods that actually taste good – so imagine my surprise when two of the headlines I see first are:

  • “This is Why You Should Never Eat Tilapia”


  • “Eating Tilapia is Worse Than Eating Bacon”

Don’t think for a second that THIS won’t come up the next time the fish smell hits the kitchen. But anyway, apparently a tilapia is just an African fish that has now been turned into the second-most farmed fish in the world or something like that. In fact, it is considered the ‘aquatic chicken’ according to many well-informedfish_legs aquatic chicken sources. OK, so it is at least a real fish, unlike the fake ‘mahi mahi’ which is just a warmed-over and fanciful dolphinfish. Look it up.

OK, so the first part of the product title checks out. You can eat tilapia (well, except for the fact that it can kill you). But if loins are a physical thing in the body – specifically in the leg/hip area – where are a tilapia’s loins and why are we eating them? Fish don’t have hips – I have the bumper sticker to prove it. So where are tilapia loins from?

According to Dr. Marvin Fishwhacker of the Submerged Aqua Leaders Triumvirate (SALT) tilapia loins do not even exist because fish don’t have loins. The term is just a marketing ploy designed by food manufacturers to arouse positive connotations in the buyer. You may as well have named this product “Tilapia Warm Spring Day and the Smell of a Beautiful Cut Lawn” for all the truth in advertising it demonstrates.

So there you have it. I beg of you to take everything you find at Costco with a grain of salt and don’t just buy something because you think it sounds good. Do your research and don’t get sucked in by the melodic sound of the words. You owe it to yourself not to stink up your kitchen with smells of fake animal parts. Well real animal, fake parts. Well, not fake parts – just misnamed parts. Parts is parts.

Just eat your Costco “$1.50 Monster Hot Dog and Coke” deal and go home healthier.


  1. Loved this posting! As I have so lived the “Costco Effect”- we have had (at various times) a jar of jalapenos that takes up ~1/2 a refrigerator shelf, a 5 lb (??) container of Cheetos, enough pickles, mayonnaise, and ketchup to last 2 years, 2 lbs of a yogurt dip that only I will eat, and a container of animal cookies so large that I used to worry my stepson (when he was younger) would fall into it.

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s